FOODFORSOULE.

Bye bye, Blogspot.

2009-08-23T13:36:00.001-04:00

Find me. ;)

Kelis on meeting Nas for the first time.

2009-08-01T16:16:00.000-04:00

"Everyone moves out of the way, and Nas stands up, and I put my hand out, and I’m like, Hey, I’m Kelis. And he goes, ‘Who?’… So I’m crawling into a fucking hole, and he’s like, ‘Wait-huh? What’s your name?' And I’m like, Kelis, and he’s like, ‘Oh, well that’s great, because I’ve been waiting to make you my wife all these years.’ When Nas told me of his bold marital plans, I replied, That’s great, because that’s all I wanna be."

So bossy. A damn shame as to how things end up.

& I'm asking You,

2009-07-30T12:53:00.000-04:00

God, please give me the strength & grace.

Front.

2009-07-27T02:12:00.002-04:00

I front so hard by pushing people away during times of need, so it appears like I have everything under control -- or more times than others, make it seem like I could really give a fk less. But in actuality, it's some sick & twisted defense mechanism I have going on with myself that does nothing to benefit me. People have good intentions, yet I can't bring myself to take it with a grain of salt & acknowledge it for what it is. Instead, I make shit harder to handle, & no one will ever know until the time comes where I just explode.

I need to stop trying to manage everything single-handedly, like I'm the only one capable of doing right by themself.
I need to stop worrying so much about the content of others & just look out for me.

I need to start making fkin' moves.

Truth hurts, but it ain't a lie.

At times I don't like you,

2009-07-23T00:50:00.001-04:00

but I will always love you.

Back & BLACK.

2009-07-16T22:39:00.001-04:00

I become Dominican during the Summer. Diiiimelo.

Random Fact #6

2009-07-06T16:18:00.001-04:00

Driving stick wasn't bad at ALL -- matter fact, I'm feenin' for another cruise. Shiiiieeet, not enough niggas drive manual these days..

Can't stop, won't stop.

2009-07-04T11:50:00.003-04:00

"Certain things only happen to certain people." I can't bring myself to believe it. Although I trip & let shit get the best of me, I'm never down for the count. It's just in my nature -- fall 7 times, get up 8. Growing up, I was never the princess who was waited on & presented with lush things on a silver plate. I never asked for more than what others around me provided from the get go, & I sure as hell never expected more than that. Majority of the things in my possession, I've earned myself. I'm the type to really take pride in things like that, things that I know I busted my ass for. It's a sickening mentality, because it wears me out -- but in the end, it helps me fall asleep at night. I ain't knockin' kids who have it easy, flying by with your leased cars & bigshot colleges. Who don't have to pinch pennies cause you can simply charge it onto Mom & Dad's account. By all means, more power to you. But I'm still in the process of getting to where I want to be, a financial stability. Money ain't everything, but it sure helps a lot if you got it these days. Times is rough, & I'm sure as hell not going to get my ass kicked by it.

It's the pursuit of happiness (yeah, kind of like the movie) that I'm so desperately after. I want that time to finally come where I can open my door to a home with hardwood flooring & that full kitchen my Mom's been wanting for all these years. I want to hop into my car, financed & being paid off myself, & just drive for hours on end. I want to find that perfect waitressing job somewhere in Midtown Manhattan, a job that I won't resent & actually enjoy serving my customers. I want to go to school at Hunter & live the city life, getting the same education as someone paying $20,000+ a year for some private university. I want it all, & I want to build my way to the top. Sounds overwhelming at first, but it really ain't too much. But for now, I'm just going to have to keep busting my ass..

I got that certain lust for life, I suppose.

The Company

2009-06-29T00:54:00.001-04:00

Sooo dooope. If only I could be half the shit they are. Why are all the sexy people from California? I swear, it's the water they're drinking or something..

Myspace About Me

2009-06-24T01:24:00.003-04:00

Zero tolerance for bullshit & the people that bring it. One of the last females left with a genuine personality. People have a hard time determining my ethnicity. Contains an obnoxiously contagious laugh. If patience was rewarded, I'd have a trophy room filled. Nyc born& raised with a twist of Chicago. Asshole to an extent. Blunt as hell that'll leave you wondering what hit you. Weakness for the Knicks, cars, fashion, & hip-hop. Deep conversations are best engaged sitting on stoops at 2AM. Work hard, lounge harder.

Everything I want, I gots it.

I crack myself up - yet I still hold true to these words.

Stuck Off the Realness.

2009-06-22T23:20:00.002-04:00

& I ain't talking no Mobb Deep lyrics, but just the literal meaning of it. I feel stuck - but that's not necessarily a positive or a negative. It's a day by day process of routine & repetition.

Work is tiring me out - I had no idea I signed up for little side jobs & staying hours after my scheduled shift has ended, & I have so many mixed feelings towards the whole thing. The frequency of my schedule is amazing, working barely 3 days a week leaving me with a lot of free time - but it doesn't pay shit. I go through half of my paycheck in a matter of 3 days, & it's not like I'm even blowing it all off senselessly. My hourly pay just doesn't suffice to my lifestyle. Then again, who are we kidding here - it's not a job unless you complain about it.

I just finished watching the latest episode of Jon & Kate plus 8, & my heart sincerely goes out to that family - especially the kids. I can imagine how difficult it is to transition from what they grew so accustomed to. A loving family, fame & wealth, & overall just a good bond between parents & siblings. It scares me & breaks my heart to see such a good thing fall apart. But I'm not one to talk when it comes to that.

It's only going to be Tuesday tmrw & I'm already wanting the week to be over & done with. Monday Kuya is planning on getting another tatt ink'd on his back, & I'm seriously contemplating whether to go with him since I've been wanting another one. But of course, that all depends on how the cash flow's coming in.

This was a useless update, but whadaeff. I been slackin', I know.

Random Fact #5

2009-06-17T12:17:00.000-04:00

I miss taking random naps in the middle of the day with you.

Rain rain, go away.

2009-06-15T18:02:00.002-04:00

Actually, I'm pretty content for the rest of the night. Bum ass Monday, but for once I'm not complaining. Time to catch up on some "me time", aka cleaning, loungin', & cooking. (:

2009-06-08T15:41:00.002-04:00

Random Fact #4

2009-06-08T15:10:00.002-04:00

I'm horrible at saving money.

Patience

2009-06-04T11:26:00.003-04:00

This was my fking jam back in Summer '06. Love the vibe of this nigga, I'm glad I dug up some throwies. Helps out a lot, considering I woke up in a shitty mood -- & it's only 1130AM.

Damn, so I was supposed to hit up the post office w/ my Mom to take care of this whole passport business.. Tell me how it's going to cost me $160 to renew it, PLUS the fee of putting that shit on express since I'm leaving in July. Putting a deep hole in our pockets, but you got'a do what you got'a do, right? This past week I been stressing about money issues, more than usual. I got that stupid parking ticket (RECKLESS), the deductible for my new Blackberry (still need to get on that), paying this passport fee, & on top of all that saving for my plane ticket + spending money. I'm trying not to let it overwhelm me, but it's pretty damn evident that my lifestyle is too expensive for my hourly salary. I'm not getting paid enough, fk.

I kind of wnna fast forward to July already, I hate that area of gray between points A & B. Bahamas loungin' with boyfriend, living it up over there & turning 19. Legal drinking age, what's goooooood with that. I'm hyped, but got'a be patient. Shoot, I'm everything that defines patient.

Truth.

2009-06-01T00:19:00.000-04:00

Self-sacrifices

2009-05-31T23:02:00.001-04:00

Something that's second nature to me nowadays. I eat those.

Random Fact #3

2009-05-29T00:53:00.001-04:00

I know random ass shit about cars, like bits & pieces of things that don't follow up.

For instance, the difference between a turbocharger versus a supercharger. Yet when someone asked me where blow-off valves were located the other day, I couldn't answer them.

I'm still learning. :X

First semester of college.

2009-05-27T02:07:00.002-04:00

Italian 111: B+
English 101: B-
Psychology 510: A-
Math 120: B
Spring '09 GPA: 3.2

Bleh, not too shabby considering my first semester of college. Totally rocked the 3.8 GPA during the beginning of the semester but started slacking once the year dragged on.. But I still kept my priorities straight. Got'a admit, Fall is most definitely going to kick my ass, especially with Biology - but in some sick & twisted way, I'm kind of looking forward to it.

ANYWAYS, hellllloooo summer. I've missed you.

Random Fact #2

2009-05-25T14:10:00.001-04:00

I'm indecisive as hell & don't make up my mind until the last minute.

Perfect example: what to wear as soon as I get out of the shower. Doh.

Can You Stand the Rain?

2009-05-23T13:41:00.000-04:00

Random Fact #1

2009-05-22T01:18:00.001-04:00

My pride gets in the way of too many things way too often.

Til Infinity.

2009-05-21T00:13:00.002-04:00

Clearing out my old emails earlier today, I came across a few old conversations I saved & mailed to myself from last year. I know, I'm a sentimental cornball like that. It was during one of the rougher stages in my life, or maybe I could openly admit it was the hardest point in time that I ever went through.

I've been through family complications.
I've watched relatives walk out of my life without remorse.
I've had the past relived by people walking back into my life without consent.
I've been moved halfway across the country against my will.
I've lost many nights of sleep over financial problems.

But nothing compared to the matters dealing with probably the most fragile part of my body: my heart.

Looking back, I realized I've endured so much pain & bullshit (bluntly put) while handling the break up. & On rare occasions when I find the time to open up those emails & read over those old entries, it still touches that same nerve like it did a year ago. Not to say that I feel the same heartache as I did before, but it's something I've got to live with for the rest of my life - the damage has been done. The only thing I can't quite put my finger on is why can't I find it in me to just delete them? It's a vicious cycle of those emails just sitting in that folder, me coming around to read them, then I take a minute to sit back, let out a sigh & feel a fraction of the hurt I once felt. & Instead of deleting them, I close the file & tuck it away for the next time I read it. I feel guilty for doing it, so why do I continue to do so?

I'm not finding a way to justify my skepticism - I wouldn't need to, because I'm perfectly happy where my relationship stands as of now. But little factors that bring up the past, especially other girls who were involved & still keep in touch.. I become the most secretive insecure being ever. Even when I know damn well I'm way beyond their level, my number one fear is being left alone.

Back in the day, I held down my own. Even being in a relationship with my first boyfriend, he didn't have an impact like this one does. Although I've always been locked down with a boy, independence was a defining factor in me & everyone knew damn well of it, too. Not to say that I don't hold the same quality in me, but I guess I've met my match. It's so funny how I hold a very grounded exterior, giving the impression that I'm perfectly fine taking care of myself - yet on the inside, I've got this deep dependency on him. I rarely show my affection publicly, but trust - it's all there. I'm the type to really miss someone when they're not around, yet when I'm with them everything seems in order. Everything seems right.

After taking the time to read over what I've typed, I decided to finally delete those emails. What's the sense of reliving old emotions if they made me miserable in the first place? Instead of opening old wounds from the past, turn it around & make positive use out of it. Learn from old mistakes & heartache. Use it to be thankful for where you ended up & what you have now.

Babe,
I know I was never good at showing my sentimental emotions publicly. & With the bumps along the journey of our relationship, plus the emotional stress life has been throwing at me, I know for a fact that I've cut back even more on expressing my feelings. But when I say I miss you, I mean it times 10. When I say I love you, I tell you in complete confidence. When I hold your free hand while driving, when I get to wake up before you & watch you nap, when I sneak in extra hugs while waiting in line, they mean the world to me. Coming from a girl who's experienced many aspects of life that lack permanence, I've grown a major dependency on you. I'm just looking forward to sticking by you for as long as I can, because you've been a part of me that I can't see doing without. Fk circumstances, fk age, & fk the status quo - I can't see me going through the motions of life with anyone else. Not entirely romantic, professing my sensitive side on the internet.. But you catch my drift. I love you, B. So I'm sayin', you should stick around for a while.

Dela Vega

2009-05-18T14:37:00.004-04:00

Words to live by. My boy Chris told me about this artist & his works, sometime last week we even hit up his spot in the village. He's a dope guy, a character all in his own way. He was pretty chill about us browsing through his stuff, which are quite interesting.. Nyc heads, I advise you to stop by & take a look at his shit. The sticker I got was going for 3 bucks, but he gave it to us along w/ his business card. It made my day, & best believe I'm living by it. Just watch me.

Check him out here.