FOODFORSOULE.

Bye bye, Blogspot.

2009-08-23T13:36:00.001-04:00

Find me. ;)

Kelis on meeting Nas for the first time.

2009-08-01T16:16:00.000-04:00

"Everyone moves out of the way, and Nas stands up, and I put my hand out, and I’m like, Hey, I’m Kelis. And he goes, ‘Who?’… So I’m crawling into a fucking hole, and he’s like, ‘Wait-huh? What’s your name?' And I’m like, Kelis, and he’s like, ‘Oh, well that’s great, because I’ve been waiting to make you my wife all these years.’ When Nas told me of his bold marital plans, I replied, That’s great, because that’s all I wanna be."

So bossy. A damn shame as to how things end up.

& I'm asking You,

2009-07-30T12:53:00.000-04:00

God, please give me the strength & grace.

Front.

2009-07-27T02:12:00.002-04:00

I front so hard by pushing people away during times of need, so it appears like I have everything under control -- or more times than others, make it seem like I could really give a fk less. But in actuality, it's some sick & twisted defense mechanism I have going on with myself that does nothing to benefit me. People have good intentions, yet I can't bring myself to take it with a grain of salt & acknowledge it for what it is. Instead, I make shit harder to handle, & no one will ever know until the time comes where I just explode.

I need to stop trying to manage everything single-handedly, like I'm the only one capable of doing right by themself.
I need to stop worrying so much about the content of others & just look out for me.

I need to start making fkin' moves.

Truth hurts, but it ain't a lie.

At times I don't like you,

2009-07-23T00:50:00.001-04:00

but I will always love you.

Back & BLACK.

2009-07-16T22:39:00.001-04:00

I become Dominican during the Summer. Diiiimelo.

Random Fact #6

2009-07-06T16:18:00.001-04:00

Driving stick wasn't bad at ALL -- matter fact, I'm feenin' for another cruise. Shiiiieeet, not enough niggas drive manual these days..

Can't stop, won't stop.

2009-07-04T11:50:00.003-04:00

"Certain things only happen to certain people." I can't bring myself to believe it. Although I trip & let shit get the best of me, I'm never down for the count. It's just in my nature -- fall 7 times, get up 8. Growing up, I was never the princess who was waited on & presented with lush things on a silver plate. I never asked for more than what others around me provided from the get go, & I sure as hell never expected more than that. Majority of the things in my possession, I've earned myself. I'm the type to really take pride in things like that, things that I know I busted my ass for. It's a sickening mentality, because it wears me out -- but in the end, it helps me fall asleep at night. I ain't knockin' kids who have it easy, flying by with your leased cars & bigshot colleges. Who don't have to pinch pennies cause you can simply charge it onto Mom & Dad's account. By all means, more power to you. But I'm still in the process of getting to where I want to be, a financial stability. Money ain't everything, but it sure helps a lot if you got it these days. Times is rough, & I'm sure as hell not going to get my ass kicked by it.

It's the pursuit of happiness (yeah, kind of like the movie) that I'm so desperately after. I want that time to finally come where I can open my door to a home with hardwood flooring & that full kitchen my Mom's been wanting for all these years. I want to hop into my car, financed & being paid off myself, & just drive for hours on end. I want to find that perfect waitressing job somewhere in Midtown Manhattan, a job that I won't resent & actually enjoy serving my customers. I want to go to school at Hunter & live the city life, getting the same education as someone paying $20,000+ a year for some private university. I want it all, & I want to build my way to the top. Sounds overwhelming at first, but it really ain't too much. But for now, I'm just going to have to keep busting my ass..

I got that certain lust for life, I suppose.

The Company

2009-06-29T00:54:00.001-04:00

Sooo dooope. If only I could be half the shit they are. Why are all the sexy people from California? I swear, it's the water they're drinking or something..

Myspace About Me

2009-06-24T01:24:00.003-04:00

Zero tolerance for bullshit & the people that bring it. One of the last females left with a genuine personality. People have a hard time determining my ethnicity. Contains an obnoxiously contagious laugh. If patience was rewarded, I'd have a trophy room filled. Nyc born& raised with a twist of Chicago. Asshole to an extent. Blunt as hell that'll leave you wondering what hit you. Weakness for the Knicks, cars, fashion, & hip-hop. Deep conversations are best engaged sitting on stoops at 2AM. Work hard, lounge harder.

Everything I want, I gots it.

I crack myself up - yet I still hold true to these words.

Stuck Off the Realness.

2009-06-22T23:20:00.002-04:00

& I ain't talking no Mobb Deep lyrics, but just the literal meaning of it. I feel stuck - but that's not necessarily a positive or a negative. It's a day by day process of routine & repetition.

Work is tiring me out - I had no idea I signed up for little side jobs & staying hours after my scheduled shift has ended, & I have so many mixed feelings towards the whole thing. The frequency of my schedule is amazing, working barely 3 days a week leaving me with a lot of free time - but it doesn't pay shit. I go through half of my paycheck in a matter of 3 days, & it's not like I'm even blowing it all off senselessly. My hourly pay just doesn't suffice to my lifestyle. Then again, who are we kidding here - it's not a job unless you complain about it.

I just finished watching the latest episode of Jon & Kate plus 8, & my heart sincerely goes out to that family - especially the kids. I can imagine how difficult it is to transition from what they grew so accustomed to. A loving family, fame & wealth, & overall just a good bond between parents & siblings. It scares me & breaks my heart to see such a good thing fall apart. But I'm not one to talk when it comes to that.

It's only going to be Tuesday tmrw & I'm already wanting the week to be over & done with. Monday Kuya is planning on getting another tatt ink'd on his back, & I'm seriously contemplating whether to go with him since I've been wanting another one. But of course, that all depends on how the cash flow's coming in.

This was a useless update, but whadaeff. I been slackin', I know.

Random Fact #5

2009-06-17T12:17:00.000-04:00

I miss taking random naps in the middle of the day with you.

Rain rain, go away.

2009-06-15T18:02:00.002-04:00

Actually, I'm pretty content for the rest of the night. Bum ass Monday, but for once I'm not complaining. Time to catch up on some "me time", aka cleaning, loungin', & cooking. (:

2009-06-08T15:41:00.002-04:00

Random Fact #4

2009-06-08T15:10:00.002-04:00

I'm horrible at saving money.

Patience

2009-06-04T11:26:00.003-04:00

This was my fking jam back in Summer '06. Love the vibe of this nigga, I'm glad I dug up some throwies. Helps out a lot, considering I woke up in a shitty mood -- & it's only 1130AM.

Damn, so I was supposed to hit up the post office w/ my Mom to take care of this whole passport business.. Tell me how it's going to cost me $160 to renew it, PLUS the fee of putting that shit on express since I'm leaving in July. Putting a deep hole in our pockets, but you got'a do what you got'a do, right? This past week I been stressing about money issues, more than usual. I got that stupid parking ticket (RECKLESS), the deductible for my new Blackberry (still need to get on that), paying this passport fee, & on top of all that saving for my plane ticket + spending money. I'm trying not to let it overwhelm me, but it's pretty damn evident that my lifestyle is too expensive for my hourly salary. I'm not getting paid enough, fk.

I kind of wnna fast forward to July already, I hate that area of gray between points A & B. Bahamas loungin' with boyfriend, living it up over there & turning 19. Legal drinking age, what's goooooood with that. I'm hyped, but got'a be patient. Shoot, I'm everything that defines patient.

Truth.

2009-06-01T00:19:00.000-04:00

Self-sacrifices

2009-05-31T23:02:00.001-04:00

Something that's second nature to me nowadays. I eat those.

Random Fact #3

2009-05-29T00:53:00.001-04:00

I know random ass shit about cars, like bits & pieces of things that don't follow up.

For instance, the difference between a turbocharger versus a supercharger. Yet when someone asked me where blow-off valves were located the other day, I couldn't answer them.

I'm still learning. :X

First semester of college.

2009-05-27T02:07:00.002-04:00

Italian 111: B+
English 101: B-
Psychology 510: A-
Math 120: B
Spring '09 GPA: 3.2

Bleh, not too shabby considering my first semester of college. Totally rocked the 3.8 GPA during the beginning of the semester but started slacking once the year dragged on.. But I still kept my priorities straight. Got'a admit, Fall is most definitely going to kick my ass, especially with Biology - but in some sick & twisted way, I'm kind of looking forward to it.

ANYWAYS, hellllloooo summer. I've missed you.

Random Fact #2

2009-05-25T14:10:00.001-04:00

I'm indecisive as hell & don't make up my mind until the last minute.

Perfect example: what to wear as soon as I get out of the shower. Doh.

Can You Stand the Rain?

2009-05-23T13:41:00.000-04:00

Random Fact #1

2009-05-22T01:18:00.001-04:00

My pride gets in the way of too many things way too often.

Til Infinity.

2009-05-21T00:13:00.002-04:00

Clearing out my old emails earlier today, I came across a few old conversations I saved & mailed to myself from last year. I know, I'm a sentimental cornball like that. It was during one of the rougher stages in my life, or maybe I could openly admit it was the hardest point in time that I ever went through.

I've been through family complications.
I've watched relatives walk out of my life without remorse.
I've had the past relived by people walking back into my life without consent.
I've been moved halfway across the country against my will.
I've lost many nights of sleep over financial problems.

But nothing compared to the matters dealing with probably the most fragile part of my body: my heart.

Looking back, I realized I've endured so much pain & bullshit (bluntly put) while handling the break up. & On rare occasions when I find the time to open up those emails & read over those old entries, it still touches that same nerve like it did a year ago. Not to say that I feel the same heartache as I did before, but it's something I've got to live with for the rest of my life - the damage has been done. The only thing I can't quite put my finger on is why can't I find it in me to just delete them? It's a vicious cycle of those emails just sitting in that folder, me coming around to read them, then I take a minute to sit back, let out a sigh & feel a fraction of the hurt I once felt. & Instead of deleting them, I close the file & tuck it away for the next time I read it. I feel guilty for doing it, so why do I continue to do so?

I'm not finding a way to justify my skepticism - I wouldn't need to, because I'm perfectly happy where my relationship stands as of now. But little factors that bring up the past, especially other girls who were involved & still keep in touch.. I become the most secretive insecure being ever. Even when I know damn well I'm way beyond their level, my number one fear is being left alone.

Back in the day, I held down my own. Even being in a relationship with my first boyfriend, he didn't have an impact like this one does. Although I've always been locked down with a boy, independence was a defining factor in me & everyone knew damn well of it, too. Not to say that I don't hold the same quality in me, but I guess I've met my match. It's so funny how I hold a very grounded exterior, giving the impression that I'm perfectly fine taking care of myself - yet on the inside, I've got this deep dependency on him. I rarely show my affection publicly, but trust - it's all there. I'm the type to really miss someone when they're not around, yet when I'm with them everything seems in order. Everything seems right.

After taking the time to read over what I've typed, I decided to finally delete those emails. What's the sense of reliving old emotions if they made me miserable in the first place? Instead of opening old wounds from the past, turn it around & make positive use out of it. Learn from old mistakes & heartache. Use it to be thankful for where you ended up & what you have now.

Babe,
I know I was never good at showing my sentimental emotions publicly. & With the bumps along the journey of our relationship, plus the emotional stress life has been throwing at me, I know for a fact that I've cut back even more on expressing my feelings. But when I say I miss you, I mean it times 10. When I say I love you, I tell you in complete confidence. When I hold your free hand while driving, when I get to wake up before you & watch you nap, when I sneak in extra hugs while waiting in line, they mean the world to me. Coming from a girl who's experienced many aspects of life that lack permanence, I've grown a major dependency on you. I'm just looking forward to sticking by you for as long as I can, because you've been a part of me that I can't see doing without. Fk circumstances, fk age, & fk the status quo - I can't see me going through the motions of life with anyone else. Not entirely romantic, professing my sensitive side on the internet.. But you catch my drift. I love you, B. So I'm sayin', you should stick around for a while.

Dela Vega

2009-05-18T14:37:00.004-04:00

Words to live by. My boy Chris told me about this artist & his works, sometime last week we even hit up his spot in the village. He's a dope guy, a character all in his own way. He was pretty chill about us browsing through his stuff, which are quite interesting.. Nyc heads, I advise you to stop by & take a look at his shit. The sticker I got was going for 3 bucks, but he gave it to us along w/ his business card. It made my day, & best believe I'm living by it. Just watch me.

Check him out here.

Special.mp3

2009-05-13T23:41:00.000-04:00

"On your end, it's simple all you have to do, is give me no reason for other lovers after you." -- Drake

On the grind.

2009-05-12T12:45:00.002-04:00

I'm focused, maaaaaan.

But that doesn't mean I'm absolutely ready to buggout, suckafree style. These last days of school + finals need to hurry the fk up.

Wiiiii.. FIT!

2009-05-10T17:36:00.003-04:00

Happy Mother's Day! The sermon today at mass brought up some really good points.. We should not limit this day to just mothers & grandmothers, but also to aunts, Godmothers, caretakers, foster parents, & anyone with nurturing qualities. The love & caring only a female can provide comes from people who break beyond the title of a mother. So for all my females out there with the patience of a saint, enjoy your day! (:

I was hyped this year getting my mom her Wii Fit.. & From the get go people been saying how messed up I am cause it's implying that I think she's fat.. UH, no. Shit is actually pretty fun & my mom would always get excited when seeing the commercial. So I copped it for Mamadukes, & Kuya's gnna cover dinner at the city tonight. Babyback ribs, haaaaiightt!

Last week of official classes this week, & then 3 days of annoying finals following that.. Final stretch, baby! After that, I'm a free woman, sort of. But whatever, work is much more bearable when I don't have to juggle between studying & homework. With that said, summer is juuuust around the corner.

SUMMER '09 HITLIST:
[ ] Cop that half-back Phoenix tattoo
[ ] Save at least $500 by the end of Summer
[ ] Spend a week or 2 in Chicago
[ ] Get back in shape
[ ] Learn how to drive stick
[ ] Go to the beach x2349028309! :D

I'm pretty sure I'm missing a whole bunch of thangs, but oh well. It'll come back to me eventually.

YES, my turn up on the Wii. Gnna catch my daily routine workout, then head over to Barnes & Noble before hitting up the city. Peaaas.

Leaked.

2009-05-09T02:54:00.004-04:00

I really could give a fk less about Cassie or Rihanna's pierced tits.. But I think this shit is just the icing on the cake. Chris Breezy say's "GIMME THAT". I crack myself up.

I'm learning..

2009-05-05T12:15:00.000-04:00

"That fighting fire with fire isn’t the best solution. Enter a conflict with an open mind and find ways to compromise. Things don’t always go your way so don’t expect everything to fall into place the way you wanted it to be. I’m realizing that after 4 years of fighting this shit, I need to find a better way to come about this. I’m sorry for ever disrespecting you, and I’m sorry for ever being so arrogant. I know that you care, I was just too stubborn to see it. The only reason why I come off so defensive is because your ways of coming about things aren’t the best ways to approach a situation. But then again, I should’ve understood more. I should’ve seen your ways and where you came from. I just had an angry heart and in my mind, the best way to get back at you was to retaliate. Dad, I’m so sorry. Our relationship is very emotional to talk about because there is no relationship. I remember when I was a little kid that I would run to you everyday when you came home from work and give you the biggest hug ever. It’s as if I hadn’t seen you in so long. We use to sing kareoke together. That’s how I got my good taste in music.. because of you. We don’t have that anymore. Truth of the matter is, as much as I deny the way I feel about this, I love you deep down. I pray for you every chance I get just so things between us would get better. I get so mad at God because he seems to never come through with my requests. And when things get even worse, I get even more frustrated. I just want all of this to end. I guess I was tired of fighting and I gave up hope. I didn’t care anymore, and whatever I said was always right.. at least from my perspective. Now, I’m sitting back and finally realizing that I need a new way of handling about this. I know I’m better and I could do better. I just want to do better.." -- K.Bencio
Her thoughts & perspective on life as a whole are amazing. Definitely check her out, this biddy is baaad. <3

Definitely hit the nail on the head with this one. I read it & shit got me choked up on the inside, cause I'm not looking to make a scene in the middle of the computer lab. Certain aspects tug at the strings of my heart, cause I know exactly what you fkin' mean.

Times have changed, & people sometimes go along w/ it. It's just a shame that it had to happen to you.

To be honest, I sometimes hate how my mother brings up the fact that I once had a very close relationship w/ him. & This time, I'm putting shit in past tense - because how things were don't remain. Constantly toying w/ my emotions of him physically & mentally being there to support us, which only resulted in me waiting to a no-show. Fk money, fk financial comfort - all I wanted was a man who changed his ways & stuck through to his words. A man who can sacrifice not for the well-being of himself, but for the well-being of his own family. His own daughter. I've invested so much trust in him, & I can honestly call myself a fool because I've been let down more than once. I'm back to the same disappointing cycle of wondering where he is.

I'm an independent chick, I can handle my own. To add even more to that, I help out those who I hold closest to my heart - family. I take on responsibilities knowing that in my situation, there's more than just only looking out for me. I come home to a mother & 2 siblings, in which I try to help out their own specific needs. I've lived a life of unselfishness - but watching him bail out when he's in a tough spot only makes me see the lesser in him.

Enough of this back & forth, sick mind-fk of a relationship we have. I'm done. Let's see how effective the saying is, "you don't miss a good thing til it's gone."

Blood.

2009-05-03T23:01:00.002-04:00

Ha, this puts a smile on my face forreal. Love digging up old shit.

When the going gets tough

2009-05-03T20:39:00.001-04:00

..you don't pussy out.

Sometimes I don't know what to think of you.

EVR & KYR.

2009-05-02T00:37:00.003-04:00

Currently situated at home (sitting on my living room floor to be exact), loungin' on a late Friday night. Got good company over, nothing too big yet I'm content as hell.

Good ass vibes, shameless plug goes out to East Village Radio for featuring a recent favorite DJ of mine, DJ Siik. Also big ups to Chrizzay for putting me on him, thanks budd-o!

POH's showcase tmrw, let's see how many familiar faces I bump into. Good luck to my niggas performing (:

Someone cop this for me, please? Kthanks.

Time to catch some snoozes, weouut.

Post Secret.

2009-04-29T23:41:00.000-04:00

I don't know why, but this just inspired me to try it the next time I'm behind the wheel. Har har.

One Thousand & One.

2009-04-29T00:24:00.002-04:00

This has got to be the cutest thing ever.

#413:
"Someone who thinks it's cute when I accidentally drool on them while sleeping."

I could swear half of this shit is true. It takes the cheesiness out of romance, yet still let's you appreciate love. Hookay, sappy sentimental moment - EXIT STAGE LEFT.

Dear God, please grant me the determination & motivation to make me attend Math class tmrw. Although I'd rather take a nice cat nap after breakfast, all this cutting is going to catch up to me & bite me in the ass.

Asdfghjkl.

2009-04-27T13:05:00.003-04:00

Beautiful day out, yet I'm in the ugliest mood. I should've just went to school today, fuck.

Breaking barriers.

2009-04-22T22:57:00.003-04:00

I'm convinced more & more each day that we're all put into limits of our lifestyle. Although I can't complain about the situation I'm in, I've always been the one to strive for something more if I truly believed there was something out there with greater opportunity. I hate how stubborn I am to when it comes to terms of forcing myself to be content, when I'm clearly not. Perfect example, quitting jobs that I grow to dislike.

Pushing limits give me a guilty conscious - why can't I settle & be thankful for the things provided, instead of being a brat & wanting more?

Queensborough has lost my interest completely, & the Spring semester hasn't even finished. The negative connotation people put on community colleges has seeped into my brain, which led to me slacking off. That, & an unnecessarily late Spring break. I just wish the next semester will be quick & painless, so I can be on my way to transferring out - where exactly, I'm not too sure yet. This is another perfect example. I'm grateful for the fact that my mom is putting me through school, but looking at the tired & gloomy campus makes me feel the same way - tired & gloomy.

There's got to be more to life than this. I need to make moves, & I've got to pick up the pace. Summer, where you at?

Ink isn't erasable.

2009-04-21T23:15:00.002-04:00

Mmm, I'm not too sure what to think about this. The whole procedure itself sounds shady - letting a bunch of guys in lab coats take your skin DNA & growing some for you? Slap it on your arm, stitch it up in a seamless fashion, & BAM - a perfectly clean slate.

What's going to happen to his arm hair? What if the skin loosens, becomes transparent, or (God forbid) starts to wear away? It'd be completely disgusting & potentially ruin his already sexified image. Guess we'll have to just wait & see.

Other than that, how fkin adorable is he in the interview. Swoooooon.

Feel good vibes.

2009-04-20T19:12:00.000-04:00

On a sucky, rainy day. Classic.

Sunny, high of 75 degrees

2009-04-18T11:55:00.003-04:00

Spring weather, lemme hollllllerr.

Aside from bangin' ass sunshine, I still have yet to get started on that 8-page final paper due this coming Tuesday. FML

Selfish isn't part of my vocabulary.

2009-04-15T21:12:00.003-04:00

I don't know why I always subject myself to more stress than I already juggle. & In retrospect, these things all together don't even seem too stressful at all - but the fact that I let things build up emotionally in me, that's when it takes a toll on my system. I put effort into getting things done around the house - playing "substitute mom" is an everyday ritual to me. I maintain the apartment while my mom is in Jersey City working, so that when she's home & exhausted from what the day has brought her she has less things to worry about. An empty sink & dish rack. A maintained living room. Making sure there's cooked rice for dinner. Having the place all tidied up & presentable, because coming home to a clean house does wonders on the stress meter - trust me, it's a proven theory.

A common situation I find myself getting all worked up for is the dishes. We've established that it's understood that we take turns in washing random dishes that get left in the sink. At times I dump my plates & ditch, but every now & then I gather everything up & wash them. Take note, I do the dishes out of the goodness of my heart (haha, I couldn't find a better way to put it). Kuya & Karryn on the other hand, only start to get off their butts & move after being told to do so. That's the things that bothers me the most - you complain about always being nagged at, yet you do nothing to change or make the situation better. Or not even that, why not do something around the house to help alleviate the stress for mom? Instead of being royalty & expecting life to hand you things on a silver plate, why not earn something for yourself?

FK THIS. It's amazing how my temper went from 0 to 60 in a matter of 2 paragraphs writing this. There's just too much on my plate for any of this shit to make sense.

Aww, shit.

2009-04-14T13:05:00.000-04:00

Torn.

2009-04-14T01:03:00.002-04:00

A part of me says it's all my fault,
A part of me says it ain't what I want.
A part of me says to get my bags,
A part of me says I can't do that.

We all get over things in time, right? A guilty conscious was always another weakness of mine, yet I find myself caught up in a tangle of mess. Ugh, just got'a suck it up & tough it out as they say.

Time to clean up the junk I made out of things. I'll get over it.

Nike stopped slackin'.

2009-04-10T20:13:00.002-04:00

DROOL. I stumbled across these in the mall, & first thing that caught my attention was the Nike tag on the tongue. They're sooo effin' cute in smaller sizes. These days with the whole sneaker scene going nuts, I strayed away from Nike.. But I can't pass up a decent pair of sneaks. Tax refund, where art thou?

Thanks Hypebeast.

From your sister.

2009-04-10T15:58:00.003-04:00

"Having a brother like you
has taught me alot of things..

That laughter is good for the spirit.

That forgiveness is good for the soul.

That relationships are very resilient.

That sisters might as well be,
if they want to survive.

That time really does fly.

That memories improve with age.

That people can surprise you,
& not just by jumping out from behind doors.

Having a brother like you has taught me
that life is amazing,

love is enduring,

& that family is forever."

For birthdays, I usually pick out comical cards for my siblings. But for this year, on my Kuya's 20th birthday, I decided to pick out something sentimental without being too.. gay. I feel this year I were to change the pace, since he is no longer a teenager from here on. I wish him the best in life & to keep his head up through everything - that through determination & the small blessings God has given us, he'll mold his future into something amazing. Happy 20th birthday, Kuya. (:

Aside from that, check out husband numero tres doing his thang. Aooooowhh. I need to start going back to the Bronx & take Rhythm City classes again. I've been slackin' on some shit.

Under construction.

2009-04-09T01:44:00.001-04:00

I hate hate HATE Blogspot coding - help, anyone? :(

Wordboner.

2009-04-07T23:04:00.000-04:00

April Showers, suckanut.

2009-04-06T10:12:00.003-04:00

Library loungin' on the iTouch since I decided to study for my next 2 exams, so I figured I'd leave my laptop at home for the day. Shows how much that helped, considering I'm blogging instead of reviewing over my notes, haha. It's so bad, my brain is kicked into vacation mode, even though there's still 2 days left til vacation. I want to totally skip Spring break & have it go into Summer! :(

Damn, I really can't say I've been doing too much. I swear, my mentality is on total slack off mode, & thinking about it now I kind of screwed myself over by agreeing to work Monday to Friday of spring break at the chiropractor's office. On one end, it's 5 days of working 230-730pm, which means I won't get to enjoy the sunlight. On the other end, the rate is $10/hour. Hmmm.. Good things come to those who wait, but only the things left over by those who hustle.

It's raining & it's started to seriously fk with my mood. Everything is all nasty & damp, I loathe taking cramped buses in this weather. After class I'm going straight home, hitting the showers then taking a faaat ass nap. Peas.

I'm from a city in the Midwest..

2009-04-02T10:42:00.002-04:00

Yeah, definitely did NOT get my go go gadget flow from Chicago.. (Get it? In reference to that Lupe Fiasco song? Get it? Yeah, no? Laaame.) Yesterday was the infamous April Fools, a day that is deemed the only time people can lie out of their ass & not face consequences for it. I never really celebrated the "holiday" faithfully - just last year I totally forgot such foolish things were to be taken place. But this year, I thought hey why not. I put on Twitter & Facebook that I was to move back to Chicago, AGAIN, for my Fall semester of college. It's funny, because my own boyfriend fell for it (but that was your fault, Babe :P).

Speaking of, I can't believe it's been well over a year already. Almost 2 years since I left at that. So much has happened & many things have changed, I feel as if time is slipping through my hands way too quickly. I remember last year around this time, every aspect in my life was taking a turn for the worse - I seem to impress myself when I reminisce, because I still can't believe how resilient I am to change. That's the one thing I'd really have to give myself credit for - when the going gets tough, I get on the grind ye'diiiig. -_- Haha.

I fear for Kuya & what direction (if he has any, at all) he wants to take his life. I give him credit for being mature & taking the semester off as I did, even working majority of the week to occupy his time. But the priorities of time management & where to put money is lacking.. I don't know, everything? I don't know what it's going to take for him to realize that only he himself can straighten up & mature. I guess it was a blessing in disguise that our bank account numbers got mixed up, so I ended up getting his $850 tax refund. Day after day he would beg me to write him a check to transfer out his money, but I didn't write it til yesterday because I wanted him to get a savings account set up. Had I transferred it the day I got it, all that would've been gone. You see, people these days don't tend to get off their ass & do things until they're pushed out of their comfort zone.

Bleh, but enough about me ranting.. As of lately, the whole school business has been getting the best of me. Well, not completely, but my brain has already kicked into slack-off, vacation mode due to the long awaited Spring break. I manage to keep up with my work though, but that's because I do everything the night before it's due (aside from that damn English paper.. Whoops). Then again, it's already Thursday, so just 4 more days of class & I should be home freeeeee. I'm working that Monday to Friday of break, but I can't complain. I need to get my cake back up!

Wednesday is the day I get out earliest from school, so Nicky picked me up at around 1230pm & then drove back to Elmhurst. We took the train to West 4th & met up with James, who I haven't seen in what seemed like forever. Gray's Papaya, vinyl shopping, & walking along the Village/Lower East Side was definitely something I needed. Not to mention all of the laughs & inside jokes, it gave my abs a good work out. I was in awe while fanning through the crates filled with old school vinyls - I swear, I'd buy a record player just so I could jam out & listen to them. The aesthetics of every shop we went to fascinated me everytime. It felt like the hip-hop scene from back in the day, when garbage wasn't being played on the radio.

It's been about an hour & Kathleen still hasn't called me. Waiting up for her to finish her placement test here at QCC, then most likely drag her to eat somewhere since I'm staaarving. Well, I'm off to do some more time-killing. Til next time.

2009-03-29T21:40:00.005-04:00

It's safe to say that I've done nothing productive lately - an overdue English essay & playing $1.00 Mega Million lottery only proves it.

Aside from that, I found this to be fairly accurate. How they do it, beats me.

---

You want to be regarded as an exiting and interesting personality able to persuade others to comply with your beliefs and ideas. You are charming and able to influence other people who come into your sphere of influence. You like mental stimulation and you are the sort of person who is prepared to 'try anything once'. Your confidence is so much so that others are often swept away by your enthusiasm.

You are willing to try anything once. You 'need to be needed' and what is perhaps more important you 'need to need.' You can only feel close to a person or persons when you feel you can trust them, but this trust needs to be proven to you.

All the problems that you have been experiencing of late seem to have become a part of your life and there is little that can be done to change the situation. Your emotions run high - but even though you feel as if at times you are about to burst this situation will pass. Try to release your pent-up emotions by participating in some extra physical activities like running, swimming, whatever. There must be some favourite pastime, not necessarily strenuous, that can help you to relax.

You are being unduly influenced by the situation that is all around you. You do not like the feeling of loneliness and whatever it is that seems to separate you from others. You know that life can be wonderful and you are anxious to experience life in all its aspects, to live it to the full. You therefore resent any restriction or limitations that are being imposed on you and you insist on going it alone.

You don't like conflict and you endeavour to avoid criticism. You want to do your own thing and to be able to decide what is right for you. You have considerable personable charm - and this is used with considerable effect on those that keep your company.

via Goldin Universe.

You can bet that, never got'a sweat that.

2009-03-25T10:29:00.003-04:00

I'm sore as hell from hip-hop class this past Sunday - but I can't complain, because I absolutely love it. Despite it being in the Bronx too. :x

School work is such a bore to me, I'm slacking to the max yet still managing to get things handed in on time. Except this English paper, which is due tmrw.. I need to find the outline for that. FML.

Nowadays I lack the motivation to write. It'll come back to me eventually.

The wonders of point & shoot.

2009-03-19T23:10:00.002-04:00

Have to admit, living in the suburbs of Chicago proved to be useful for one thing - photography. Given I had some lousy point & shoot Canon & little to no knowledge of camera settings, I made the best of what I had. Not to mention resizing it to fit on here kind of messed up the quality.. But it's not like that matters at all. If I could find the wall charger & SD card, I may just start updating the Flickr account (catch me via "foodforsoule" on there for more). Enjoy.

Aho deyumm, we ouut!

Dear Summer..

2009-03-18T01:26:00.003-04:00

..Hurry the fk up.

Choosing your path.

2009-03-03T23:28:00.005-05:00

Empathy was always my weakness.
- The capacity to share & understand another's emotions & feelings. It is often characterized as the ability to "put oneself in another's shoes", or in some way experience what the other person is feeling.

Determination was always my strength.
- The act of coming to a decision or of fixing or settling a purpose; a fixed purpose or intention.

I've dealt with countless experiences dealing with friends spilling out their situations and dilemmas to me. & The funny thing about it is that close to half of the people who have found security in me, I don't frequently talk to. For some reason, people reach out without worries or doubts that I'll pass judgment or make their business everyone else's. For some reason, every therapeutic, heart-felt talk I've been involved in, people seem to overlook the answer to their problem. I'll admit that sometimes I could care way too much than what I'm supposed to - it could be seen as making other people's problems my own. But the only solution I can draw from this, is that you can't help what you feel - & for me, it's more than people usually do.

I tend to have this bad habit of getting frustrated over the fact that people can't seem to fix things all on their own. The best way I could describe the feeling is a very watered down, simplistic example, but here goes. It's as if I could "switch bodies" with the person, & while I'm in control of their situation, somehow "do the solving for them". The thing that I noticed most in people with dilemmas, is that they want so badly to change & make things better - but the act of initiating change is what draws them away. Commonly, people would rather shove it aside & passively let it bother them, as oppose to stepping out of their comfort zone & actually doing something. I can't blame them, it's only human nature. But as human beings, we want what's best for ourselves.

To be honest, at times I feel bad for the ones who choose to come to me in times of need. While seeking comfort & assurance, wouldn't you want a person who will be there to relieve you of the stress & ultimately be there for you? Wouldn't you want a friend who is willing to sit & soak up all the thoughts in your mind, paying close attention to every detail & frustration. The way I view my methods of giving advice, it seems to be the total opposite. I only add insult to injury by pointing out different view points, rather than agreeing with yours. Although I'm a very patient listener, I can talk up a storm that'll make the priest's homily at church seem like a sentence. The brutality of the way I approach things, it doesn't seem to line up with my empathetic weakness, & that's the part I'm still trying to understand.

From what I've observed, empathy can be coupled with determination - but both must be in equal proportions.

There's nothing wrong with wanting what's best for people - regardless of how close your friendship is. But I believe that determination is the underlying reason as to why I'm so straight-forward about things. The one thing that gets me the most is when people are perfectly capable of taking control of their situation - but instead, choose not to. Why? Does ignorance & uncertainty convince people enough to make them stand still? How could someone willing choose to take the lesser path & have it torment them, rather than getting it over & done with as a step towards bettering the situation? I apply this way of dealing with things, "philosophy" if you will, to the way I handle the struggles in my life. I've been through a lot in the past, & some that still continue to this day. But the drive of wanting to make things better for myself is what helps me get through, slowly but surely.

For my 18th birthday, my Tita Mariss gave me a wall scroll with something that I tend to read during rough stages in my life. I noticed it's a general idea of how I approach situations in life, & it's the best way to summarize my mentality.

There comes a time in your life when you realize that if you stand still, you will remain at this point forever. You realize that if you fall & stay down, life will pass you by.
Life's circumstances are not always what you might wish them to be. You may at times be led in directions that you never imagined, dreamed, or designed. Yet if you had never put any effort into choosing a path or attempting your dream, them perhaps you would have no direction at all.
Rather than wondering about or questioning the direction your life has taken, accept the fact that ther is a path before you now. Shake off the "whys" & "what ifs", & rid yourself of confusion.
Whatever was - is in the past. Whatever is - is what's important. The past is a brief reflection. The future is yet to be realized. Today is here.
Walk your path one step at a time - with courage, faith, & determination. Keep your head up, & cast your dreams to the stars. Soon a path that you never imagined will become the most comfortable direction for you to follow.
- Vicki Silvers

For the basic, Sparknotes version of my ramblings, this is the best way to sum it all up. Empathy can only open gateways into people's perspectives - to somehow try to convince them to take charge of their situation instead of letting it rule them, is something I hope to influence.

Basically, I living proof of that little passage. Plainly put, I'm determined to mold my situation into a better one compared to the past. I'm looking forward to what's in store for me in the future, because I'm taking charge of how I want to live my life.

I'm going to rock my GPA so hard, New York University would gladly accept me into their graduating class of 2012.

Although I still have yet to learn how to drive stick shift, my savings account is on it's way to making a down payment for that Subaru.

Given the fact my parents are seperated, I'll continue to make it a point to keep in contact with the both of them.

Little, cheesy, sentimental (& slightly corny) goals like that are what keep me focused & motivated. The situation I'm in now isn't half bad - but I know there's potential for things that are better. & Due the numerous struggles, hardships, & off days I've had in the past - it's what drives me to do better. Because, seriously now.. Why make the same mistake twice? That's just silly.

Shit, I was never good at conclusions & closing paragraphs. Umm.. I have a Psychology midterm next Monday - FML. Oh, & Uniqlo is seriously starting to mess with me - FML x2. Til next time, kiddos.

PS - Hi Matt. This entry is half dedicated to you. & My reasons for it being only half, is because these ideas aren't specifically directed at you, but you flatter me knowing you check back for updates. Text you in a few, buahaha.

Oh, Mr. Williams..

2009-02-19T20:27:00.002-05:00

GIMME. I'm on a blood-thirsty hunt for this issue - I can guarantee that as soon I as I see this magazine on the bookshelf, consider it bought by yours truly.

[Edit]
So I found it at a Duane Reade on my way back from depositing my paycheck.. & I proudly say I feel satisfied. Now, the heart-wrenching battle between wanting to preserve the issue, versus wanting to tear up pictures to decorate my white bedroom walls.. Hmm, I should've bought a second one. :(

A Literacy Narrative.

2009-02-18T21:04:00.003-05:00

This English essay is going to take me forever, but I actually feel good doing it. I missed having to work on essays & getting back test grades (Aced my Italian test, holler!). Despite the fact that I totally procrastinated 2 weeks of knowing this assignment, I actually don't mind having to cram this 3 page paper all tonight. If anything, I'm intrigued by it. It's a pretty tacky subject, but it wants us to describe & interpret how we individually experience language in our lives. How we grew up around it, what has influenced us, & to find something that holds significance to us.

For my essay, the external source of my choice was the poem "Slip of Tongue" by Adriel Luis. I remember coming across this personal production of the poem a couple of years ago, & the flim only intensified the emotion embedded into the piece of work itself. I fell in love with it eversince.

The thing with me & writing essays, is that I have a massive flow of information that can't wait to be written down - so everything just rushes in all at once. I get lost in attempting to organize what goes where, which ideas seem relevant, & what aspects of the whole paper am I missing. But, I have faith in myself that I'll pull through a half-decent essay. Which reminds me, I have a first draft due for my Psych paper next Tuesday. Joyyy.

Today I spent the entire day at home, resting up yet again. I had one of the biggest scares of my life while making my way home after school yesterday, but I'm feeling much better now. I think over-exhaustion really hit me hard. Haha, I think I forgot what it felt like to be at a healthy state, because I feel amazing right now.

Alright, this intermission will be coupled with some home-cooked dinner, then back to the paper. Pray that I get this thing done before midnight.

Estoy enfermo.

2009-02-17T12:23:00.001-05:00

Whatever mutant, insanely weird virus that has been inhabiting my body for the past 2 weeks, this is your final warning. You need to move it along, for the sake of my sanity. I hate having to wake up with a crusty nose, inability to breathe, & feeling like I'm in the phase of a post-beatdown.

Usually when I get sick, I rely on my strong immune system to do me wonders. (Let's face it - I beasted on vegetables when I was little.) A while back when I started noticing symptoms, I took it as getting any other cold - rest up a little bit, dress appropriately (despite what my Mom or you, Babe, think :P), & just go day to day bearing it. I forced myself to attend class, followed by my work shifts at night. I took it as nothing, waiting patiently for the sickness to eventually lighten up off me. Yet it's been a little over 2 weeks, & I still feel horrible. To only make things worse, the symptoms vary, & the only thing that is consistent is that I feel like shit.

Sunday morning, the day that followed Valentine's Day, I was alarmed to wake up in such a bad condition. I could barely speak, my throat felt swollen, & my phlegm-conjested cough did nothing to help. I decided that enough is enough - I needed to see my oh-so wonderful doctor (take note of the sarcasm). I rushed an appointment & drove myself to Elmhurst, only to be packed into a waiting room for 3 hours. "I hate waiting rooms - they're a cess pool of germs." Hahah, credentials to my boyfriend, putting up with the hassle & waiting with me. Turns out they diagnose me with bronchitis, which followed a series of other procedures - physical, urine test, EKG, & a sonogram to be done on my throat to check for swollen areas. Half of the things they scribbled & attempted to inform me on seemed irrelevant - all I wanted to know is what the hell is wrong with me & how do I go about getting rid of it? According to them, it's nothing 3 pages of prescription antibiotics can fix. Which, reminds me, I still have to pick up.

I took advantage of the doctor's note of absence & decided to take Sunday & yesterday off from work. I figured, since I forced myself to keep going about my daily routines weeks ago instead of resting up, I could make up for the lost time now. Staying home all day on a beautiful Monday off would hit the spot, right? Well, half right at least. Last night I went to sleep with a runny nose, but nothing too out of hand. This morning, for the first time in about 10 days, I was not awoken by a sore throat. Things seem to be looking up, but just as I stepped onto the 7 train, a migrane decides to drop bombs on my brain. Following this is a great amount of pain I feel tingling down my arms, spine, & calves. I break into a cold sweat amidst English class, which does nothing for the fact that I'm falling asleep mid-sentence.

I don't know what it is, but I'm sick & tired of being sick & tired - literally. I normally take getting sick as something very minor, a reason to justify the many naps I want to take through out the day. But to be in this condition for half a month? A girl can only take so much. I hate feeling so.. Shitty.

Walking into this computer lab, I anticipated writing an essay. I have a first draft due for English this coming Thursday, & I only found out about it last night while I was combing through my syllabuses. Of course, I choose other ways of occupying my time, ones that are far from productive. Blogging, Facebook, & listening to AJ Rafael on Youtube. Although, a nap sounds amazing right about now..

zZzZz.

2009-02-05T12:30:00.003-05:00

I hate having to go day by day like this - pinching every penny in my wallet & bank account, carefully sorting out where to spend, what to spend on, & things I can do without. It's Thursday & I'm just 24 hours away from getting my paycheck. I can tell you that it's been the longest 2 weeks of my life so far. Starting college, getting used to waking up at 6AM, getting myself to class, & emptying out all my dough on books? Completely insane. Damn you to hell college textbooks, for robbing me of my hard-earned money I made by folding clothes all day.

After class, I have work scheduled from 5-11PM. What sucks about it is that they assigned me to attend an employee inventory class, since we're going to need formal training on it & all. I'm definitely not looking forward to working inventory days, because I've already seen some schedules that go from 5PM-2AM. Hell to the no, I have better things to do other than scanning barcodes & boxes all night - it's called sleep, but I don't think my manager's have ever heard of it.

Uniqlo has lost it's hype to me. I used to love the work I did, & I love the employee discount even more.. But now, it's something I drag my ass to without any hopes or expectations. To be completely honest, the only reason I'm still with them is because my coworkers are amazing, & 30% off goes a long way. Hmm, Apple Store anyone? Let's see if I can hold off til Summer (after I get back from Cali, FINGERS CROSSED!).

Weak & sad excuse of an update. Pardon my fatigue.

Hola amigos.

2009-02-01T08:45:00.002-05:00

True friendships are ones that can age with years of absence, but find that the deeper ties within them never really fade. I find it amazing, & at the same time truly thankful to have had these influences so far in my life.

Spontaneous yet long overdue, I attended a sleepover with the girls I spent my grammar school years with. You could tell right off the bat that we as a group compliment each other, as oppose to having 6 girls (well, Friday night it was 5 - Melissa was in New Paltz & unable to come down to Nyc for the weekend) with the same similar personalities. The random outbursts of yelling & laughing, swapping stories about how stupid boys are, the over-amount consumptions of alcohol / lack there-of, to just genuinely catching up. The last time I saw these girls, the "group", was my Sophomore year in high school. & Even then, I didn't get to spend the whole day with them. Eating dinosaur chicken nuggets together reminded me of how young & carefree we were, to having a few Coronas & watching rediculous reality shows on MTV shows how true friendships don't change. Rather, they're resiliant & able to change with time. Although I have to admit, I felt a little out of place & uninformed with certain things they were talking about, but it was nothing a good gossip talk could fix up. & Even though it was a pretty eventful & rough night, it hasn't changed the fact that I missed these moments of reliving my early years in St Sebastian's.

To be, I strongly believe that your morals & outlooks on life are a reflection of how you were brought up. I was never given the things that I wanted on a silver plate - so anything I earned, I never took for granted. As a matter of fact, I rarely take things for granted at all. Blame the Cancerian in me for being extremely sentimental over the smallest things. So, just like the little valued things I have in my life, my friendships fall under that category as well. With that said, I found out this past weekend that my friend Erika, whom I met through people who attend SJU, is withdrawing & moving back to her hometown Los Angeles. Although I've only known her for several months, I felt horrible that she's going back for good. Even though she exerted herself as an acquiantence to the guys I used to hang out with in high school, she grew to become a genuine friend to me. Helping her seal up the boxes of clothes & shoes in her dorm & knowing she'd be gone within the week made me realize the situation I was in when I left Chicago - but this time, I was the one staying. Although I'd love for her to kick it out here on the East Coast, you can't hold back someone from being where they truly belong. I now knew what it felt like to leave the friendships I've made during my stay in Chicago, & I'm fully aware of the feelings she's probably going through. Excited to finally be returning to familiar places & people, but hating the fact you're going to be leaving the friendships you've established. But, this is only the beginning, & what are webcams for anyway. (:

It was nice meeting you, Erika "Twin" Cabato.
Although SJU didn't live up to your college expectations, the only thing that comes to my mind right now is that "it's a New York thang". I'll be seeing you sometime in July though, West Coast ain't reaaady. I now have all the more reason to goto California.

Alright, it's a little past 9AM & I totally got my work schedule mixed up. Since I switched shifts with Nick (my Wednesday for his Sunday, aka today), I misread the schedule I wrote down & distorted my time management. I read "Saturday, 9-4pm", which I gave to another coworker yesterday. So there I go, mistakening my Saturday for Sunday, waking up at 7AM & hopping into the shower. Mid-shampoo'ing, I realized the mistake I made & just let out a huge sigh. To basically sum it all up? I could've used this time to catch up on sleep, but now I'm wide awake - great. I have 5 hours to kill until I start to head downtown, & since I'll be getting home late from work I have no choice but to do homework. Bravo, Kay, a truly great performance.

What a dumbass.

Class is now in session - finally.

2009-01-23T01:15:00.002-05:00

Damn, it's been a minute since I've updated. Whoops! You already should know I promise to blog half-heartedly, because I always find a way to leave things hanging. Don't worry, I'm alive & well. There's not much to as when it comes to eventful things.. All except the fact that school starts for CUNY next Monday! & Not just school, but COLLEGE for me. I'm a semester late, & I do hold a small ounce of regret for skipping it.. But what's done is done, comprende?

I'm anxious & excited all together. After 7 months of my brain turning into mush, it's safe to say that I officially missed the schoolwork. Cramming, pushing the snooze button for 5 more minutes, finding out as soon as I walk into class that an assignment was due - it kind of makes me miss high school. Although I had ZERO intention of going to Queensborough, it's not going to be half bad. I like the feeling of knowing I'll be driving to campus, napping in the library, or watching DVDs in class on the laptop. But of course, I also promised to myself & my family that I'd do well this semester. I have a certain drive to want to get a good GPA, to prove to myself that I can handle things when I remain in control of everything.

With school coming up, that means school supply shoppaaang.
- A new bag, cause well - what girl WOULDN'T like a new one? :P
- Dig up my old TI-83, I HEART MATH. (Lawl.)
- Purple post-it notes, it's amazing how much easier my life is with them
- HP Mini 1000 Netbook, aooooowhh. <3

Time to switch up my priorities, meaning focus more on school as oppose to work. You guys already know the Filipino perspective on life, STUDIES PIRST, BOYPREND/WORK/SLEEP SECOND. Tssh, I'm a tough cookie - not to mention an excellent multi-tasker. I just need to really brace myself when it comes to money-management. Gas funds, food, & books? Looks like those spontaneous impulse shopping sprees that I love so much will have to be done without. :( Ah, I'll survive.

Winter is not being good to me, & when I say this I refer to my skin. The wind dries the hell out of my legs & face, on top of that I'm breaking out. It looks like there's another head growing out from my chin! Ughhh. I need all the sleep I can get, later navigators.

Anger Management.

2009-01-06T02:17:00.000-05:00

This is pathetic. I don't know where it came from or how long it's been bottled up, but my Mom just exploded on my sister & I at 2AM. I mean, she never lay a finger on us, but that's not to say that she doesn't do damage. I hate it though. It annoys me, because whenever she takes out her anger, they're reckless & could be done without them. & Once she's calmed down, once that cloud of frustration has cleared from her eyes, she just looks stupid & regretful.

Karryn napped from 5-8pm today, & I dozed off on my bed from 9-11pm. The whole apartment was asleep while Karryn & I lay in our room, glancing over to our cellphones every now & then. We sparked up some conversation in a low key voice, not quite whispering but still considerate enough for those sleeping around us. I heard my Mom's voice yell out something stern, I didn't really make out the words, but I knew she was pissed. She stormed into our room & demanded that Karryn sleep on the couch (away from me, so that we wouldn't talk anymore), & to wake up early enough to catch the bus to school. She turned her attention towards me, & asked if I cared that Karryn has school in less than 6 hours. Her fury really rattled her thought process, & I could tell because every response I'd give her she interpreted as an attack or counter to her authority (which wasn't - I'm not in the mood to argue). I simply gave her the answers she wanted to hear, & short after she made her way to the bathroom to take care of whatever business she had. When she was done, I listened to her pounding footsteps, as if this burdened anger manifested into pounds & made her heavier, then proceeded to grab something only to be shattered on the floor. I heard porcelain shards, coins, a few necklaces, & papers. Before she retreated to her bedroom, she decided to add some finishing touches by channeling her inner Jackie Chan & kicking my door, which now has a huge hole on both sides. She blurted out a few more lines of anger, but at this point her speech is too muffled by her rage to be made out into words.

I'm completely fine, to be honest it doesn't even scare me anymore. I'm more along the lines as annoyed. Whenever she gets like this, she does stupid things that are so spur of the moment. My door is a perfect example. We're only renting this apartment, & now we're going to have to pay a little extra just for this hole. The little tray she broke was part of a gift giveaway from Tita Sonia's birthday dinner, & although it was miniscule, it was still sentimental. So thanks Mom, for that random outburst of stupidity. I can understand this is probably rooted from dealing with Karryn as of lately, but to take it out like that? There are far better ways to getting things done.

Not to come off rude or disrespectful, but I can say I understand where all this frustration is coming from. I don't blame her for feeling so shitty about not going anywhere with her life as of now. I've noticed lately that my Mom stays home all day, faithfully perched on the couch watching endless amounts of DTV. She claims to have a job as a part-time Sales Associate at Macys, which was temporary until her LPN certificate cleared. But something tells me that she secretly "no called no showed" this place, because she hasn't been to work for 3 weeks.

She's hit rock bottom before, but a second time around? Come on, get your act together already. Don't take your frustration out on us, namely me, just because I have my priorities straight. Hate to say it, but people need to be told the blunt truth sometimes. Way to start off your 2009..

A little something I dug up.

2009-01-05T02:54:00.002-05:00

Written over a year ago, from my old Xanga. It's amazing how time seems to fly by.. Real update soon to come. I've contemplated writing, but just haven't found the right time to sit & type it out.

"I'm sitting here w/ a mind that doesn't know exactly what to write, & a heart that doesn't know exactly what it feels. To start things off, 2007 has definitely blown by way too quickly. I can remember what I was doing last year, reminiscing how excited I was for the year ahead of me-- then again, who isn't. But time is something that is taken for granted way too often. I myself feel that I waste time a majority of my days. Despite this, the past year has taken me down roads that have twists, turns, detours, speed bumps, anything &everything. &In the end, when you take time to sit down during those last few minutes of 2007 to really think of what you have to show for those 365 days-- your mind starts to run away w/ it (at least mine has). Then, those actions that you have taken during 2007 becomes a reflection of previous years, & you inquire w/ yourself how the hell did things end up this way. Fate has a mysterious way of lining up the pieces of your life &having them fall perfectly into place to form what you make of your present. So for this upcoming 2008 year, I really want to stick by my resolutions-- none of that cliche garbage you hear on commericials, but rather something realistic &attainable. Something I know that I can set my mind to &strive for.

Overall, I want to be a better person. Don't worry, before you start gagging let me finish. When I say a better person, I mean it in many different aspects. I want to be healthier. Coming from a Filipino family, it's common to hear "C'mon you eat anak, you are too eskeeny!" but let's face the reality here: I'm a certified fatass, lolol. Healthier in ways that could benefit me w/o straining too much. Example, how I'm gradually laying off the cigs& eventually going to quit, deadass. I mean seriously, since when did smokes and track& field mix? Speaking of track& field, I'm really going to commit to it& stick by it. Which leads me to my next intention of really following through w/ things that spark my interest. Saying something & doing something are 2 totally different things. So many times have I said I wanted to do this, but end up assing off. It's crossed my conscience &bothered me several times, but this year I've decided to become more aware of it.

I also want to be a better person through the perspective of others-- by that, I mean a better daughter, sister, girlfriend& friend. I want to stop giving people around me less bullshit& start maturing even more. W/ the circumstances that life's throwing at me right now, it's forced me to see things in a much more mature fashion, because when push comes to shove, you got'a do what you got'a do. Keeping my grades up, working on the weekends, driving, spending money wisely& paying bills. It's something that I can say has impacted me towards the middle / ending of 2007, & has strengthened my independence. I want to cut down on the sarcasm but at the same time still maintain that unique sense of humor as well. Let's face it, times are changing. College is right around the corner, &I'm pretty sure no one is going to want to deal w/ high school antics-- minus the few exceptions. ;P

But most importantly, I want to be a better girlfriend-- even though I strive to be every day. I say this because this boy deserves my all, even during the misunderstandings &arguments. Although he hasn't been around enough to know the full story of my past, I can see my future being formed w/ him. He's my support team, my vent session, my buggout, my good mornings & my good nights. Although the distance that seperates us now gets hard at times, it doesn't scare me. It may get to the best of me, but those nostalgic feelings don't come w/ doubts. Call me crazy, but so be it. I'm a fool, pure sucka for love. :P These past 2 weeks I got to spend w/ him have been nothing short of bittersweet. Knowing that something I missed having, is only temporary? It keeps you up at night. It causes you to think way too much into things. No matter how many conclusions you draw yourself into, or how many "could've, should've, would've" statements you make up, it doesn't change the fact that this Friday, it's going to be just as hard as saying goodbye the first time. It kills me. I was never any good at departing scenes-- I don't care if you're some Oscar-winning actress in a 5-star love movie, I'm still going to be gay &cry. But, enough of that. I love this kid, for everything that he is& does. This year, I want to take more initiative. I want to work harder during arguments &let my guard down more often. I just want to give back just as much as you put into it. "The juice is worth the squeeze." I love you Babe, ya cornball. (:

So here's to yet another year under our belts. I hope that you all have a safe, happy, &healthy year ahead of all you guys. Also, if 2007 has taught me something valuable, it's to be open-minded-- see the bigger picture in situations rather than what's in front of us. Oh, &to never loose your sense of humor."

Venting Session.

2008-12-18T09:19:00.003-05:00

"Be not afraid of greatness: some are born great, others achieve greatness, & some have greatness thrust upon them."

I'm still trying to figure out where I fall under. I'm walking along a very thin line that separates "achieving greatness" & "thrust upon greatness". (Haha, thrust.. Sorry.) You already know me, I like to earn whatever is given to me. But at the same time, I feel I take on too much responsibilities for myself to handle all at one time. It's just my nature, & in the middle of having a meltdown from juggling 6 things at once I feel like kicking myself for letting it get out of hand.

I work a good majority of the week & faithfully give a portion of my paycheck to help out with household expenses. On certain occasions (& when time permits) I help cook, clean, I supply Karryn with an allowance coming from my own pocket, & hold out my end of the bargain. When we moved into this apartment, as well as countless times in the past, we all agreed that this would be a FAMILY effort. Everyone takes on their own responsibilities, while at the same time helping each other out. I have to give myself credit where it is due, so I think that I'm doing a pretty good job. I just feel frustrated that Kuya can't keep up with helping out the family, on the financial end. I know times is rough & his hours aren't steady, but COME ON. Get your priorities straight & do something, damnit. He always complains about how he's bored with his life, how he's not satisfied with the situation that he's in. But at the same time, I don't see him doing anything to make it better.

My Mom is sick & out for the count. She has work later tonight from 530pm til midnight, & I just hope she's feeling well enough to get through her shift. I offered to drive Karryn to school this morning (which explains why I'm up so early), so that she could sleep & get her rest in. Kuya left around 8am to take his last final, which leaves me & mom at home. Clean the living room, wash the leftover dishes, vacuum & sweep, plus tidy up the mess Karryn leaves from her daily morning routine. Not to mention clean my bed & side of the room, which has clothes thrown everywhere & countless Uniqlo paper bags.

I'm just frustrated, because I hate when my Dad talks to my Mom saying that the 3 of us kids never do anything for her or the apartment. All we do is take up space & let her cater to us as oppose to contributing to the family. This is coming from the guy that only visits when he gets cut from his work shift, or when he needs money to pay bills. Speaking of, my phone bill is connected under my Dad's name, so Karryn & I depend on him to pay it off. A few days ago I got a text message from T-Mobile saying to call them regarding last month's paycheck, & I already knew that my service was getting cut off sometime this week. As if I'm not fed up playing "substitute Mom" already, this just adds even more fuel to the fire.

While all this does take a toll on me, I just can't seem to justify my frustrations & anger. If I weren't stepping up & being mature about all this, then who will? Karryn is just 14 & doesn't know any better. Kuya has no priorities, or at least not the important ones. Dad is not consistent, & my Mom is a benchwarmer. Who else is going to keep this place together? Guess that just means more karma points for me.

I'm exhausted. I closed at Uniqlo last night, & F trains were running all screwy so I didn't get home til 130am, didn't fall asleep til 3am. I drove Karryn in this freezing weather at 7am earlier this morning, I think that earns me a nap. The only thing my phone is good for is the alarm clock (for now at least), which is set to ring at noon. Catch ya guys later.

Truth behind it all.

2008-12-13T01:23:00.003-05:00

The only reason why I'm such a bitch is because I'd rather be heartless, instead of being so emotionally vulnerable like I once was before.

But every once in a while, old habits seem to come back up. I hate it & love it all at the same time.

Everyday stores a lesson, but I wasn't quite in a learning mood.

Wealth is of the heart & mind - not the pocket.

2008-12-12T02:51:00.003-05:00

Money has always been a touchy issue for me. Whether it'd be talking about it, dealing with it, or just making it. Often times I just wish that I could some day buy a lotto ticket, put in my lucky numbers, & then later that night when I'm watching the 11 o'clock news, I'd somehow match them up from the TV screen onto this flimsy, pink paper - making me millions of dollars richer, not to mention being set for LIFE.

I have a swirl of mixed feelings when it comes to being looted. You're always a step ahead of the game financially, you make the most of materialistic lust, & let's face it - you get what you want. I know it's a really bad stereotype to be having this perspective, but majority of the time it's true. I'll even openly admit that it's the envy in me that's causing me to feel this way, but at the same time I also take pride in not being able to grow up lavishly. It gives me a sense of who I am, how I was brought up, & what it's molded me into. I appreciate the things that I've worked hard for & find value in miniscule ways. I would rather have that feeling of satisfaction from earning something with money that I stacked myself, as oppose to it being handed to me an a silver plate.

It's funny, because at work we always ask ridiculous questions dealing with money. For your entertainment, I present to you a typical conversation in our employee break room:

Larry: For a million dollars, would you punch your mother in the mouth?

Me: ...Yes, because I'd just use my money to pay for her medical bills.

Larry: Okay so for 2 million, would you punch her with brass knuckles on?

Me: NO, CAUSE YOU CAN'T BUY BACK YOUR MOM'S RESPECT FOR YOU.

- LMAO.

Yeah, it gets pretty nasty. Other ones that I've heard around the floor go something like, "Would you let Michael Jackson shit in your mouth", or "Would you pick a booger out of George Bush's nose with your tongue", & just crazy shit like that. Believe me, it's better in person.

But other than that, I often ask myself questions dealing with money. If I were to be financially comfortable, would I still have the same morals? Would I value things like the way I do now? Would money get to my head, making me just another Paris Hilton? I highly doubt any of it, but it gives me the heebie jeebies just thinking about it.

Fk millionaire, where I'm at I'm talking Billionaire.. Boys Club, that is. (How fking gay was that? Don't remind me.) The Nyc store is releasing some new stuff this Saturday, & Tony's going to be in Soho early for the release. Hopefully I'll get to run into him & check it out, but I haaate my 2-11pm shift. :(

Fuego, too bad it just looks pretty (for me at least). But no lie, I'd definitely want to buy a classic logo BBC shirt. I'd have no idea when I'd wear it though, most likely around the house & to sleep in, HAHA. Damn my undying love for Pharrell.

Can't stop, won't stop.

2008-12-08T01:20:00.003-05:00

Hahahaha, my other half. Corny ass nigga, I love you yo. Two years in the making, & many more ahead of us. I'll save the lovey dovey kiss kiss type for tmrw, I promise I won't oversleep! Til infinity, baby.

On the other hand, what's really goooooood Mexicutioner?! Manny Pacquiao is my nigga.

& On the count of three..

2008-12-03T23:25:00.002-05:00

..Every body run back to your fantasies.

What have I been up to? Well for one thing, it definitely hasn't been updating & redoing this blog. Still plain, still in it's default state, & still no new posts. I have to be careful when making promises; a majority of them seem to fall through the cracks most of the time. I guess it's partly due to my nature of not planning ahead, which is a real bad habit.

Work has been consuming my social life for the past 2 months now, & I have to say it feels both good & bad. Long shifts that span up to 8+ hours of my time, cold weather while taking public transportation, & just not being able to do the things I've grown used to doing (hanging out whenever I feel like it, not having to worry about oversleeping the next day, etc). But I constantly remind myself of the whole reason why I'm doing this, other than gaining experience & independence for myself (COOORNY): the biweekly paychecks. I can honestly admit that it feels good spending cash that I know I stacked myself. At the same time, I feel that I've sunken a little bit deeper into the materialistic high that I've been getting lately. Not to say that I've lost my grasp on reality & morals, because I just helped my mom pay for laundry earlier today. But knowing in my system that I crave this label-brand lust, I'm just trying not to get too ahead of myself, before it becomes a problem.

But, I highly doubt that something as ridiculous as a shopping addiction would overcome me. I mean, I'm openly admitting to it & realizing this behavior now; that's a good sign, right?

Speaking of spending, let's talk CHRISTMAS SHOPPING. I'm relieved as hell that I was able to order & purchase Clint's gift online. (: Charged that baby on my debit card, so now all I have to do is drive out to Whitestone & pick it up. Since I paid for it ahead of time, it's guaranteed to be there, buahahah. Not to mention I got a killer deal on it as oppose to the original price that I've been finding all over the internet. What can I say, I'm still Filipino after all. :P & Babe, I know you're going to be reading this, but sorry. Not going to leak any info on your gift here, buddy! I just need to get a few more things, including my family's Kris Kringle, Leila's, & some potluck present that we're doing.. All while holding back from buying other things I'd want to get for myself.

I feel like I'm getting a lot done, in terms of priorities. I just finished setting up my ING Direct savings account, now I'm just waiting for the pending link to go through to connect my TD Bank one. Right now I'm going through my QCC paperwork & going to start registering for Spring semester classes, since I highly doubt that Hunter will accept me at this point.. I still have yet to receive anything from them. I contemplated my enrollment to QCC for about a week now, & given our financial situation I don't think it'll be half bad. Mom said that during school days she's willing enough to lend me the car, & I'm determined to do well so transferring will be a breeze. To be honest, I kind of miss doing homework. :X Did I seriously just say that?

Alright, that should hold you guys up for now. I promise, I'll be back soon. (There I go again..)

Finally decided to stop being lazy;

2008-11-25T22:59:00.001-05:00

I'm pretty sure now that I've stopped using "Classic Template Mode" for editing the HTML on this, the RSS feed enables people to subscribe to my blog now. & As well all know, I've grown SO tired of seeing this layout.

Be back when I'm done tinkering around w/ all these codes, lawl.

2008-11-19T01:58:00.003-05:00

Oh God, this is not good at all. $250 off my paycheck that I got last Friday, spent in a matter of 2 days?! It's official: I SUCK AT SAVING UP. & To make things worse, I went shopping again today at QC, even bought Clint a button down from H&M, until he pays me back for selling his kicks. -_- & On top of that, I'm doing a meet-up to buy 2 flannel shirts off some girl from FSF. Not to mention I've been eye'ing this really nice peacoat on Karmaloop since it's getting brick outside.. Damn, biweekly paychecks, why can't you come soooooooner! :(

I need to get my money management straight, ASAP. Mental note: call up ING Direct & re-activate my savings account. I have a damn good feeling that once I get it started up, once I know in my mind that I'm actually ABLE to put it somewhere without touching it.. It'll start getting me somewhere. Maybe I'll do it tmrw before I head off for work. Maybe.

But on a lighter note, the holidays are rolling just around the corner. Thanksgiving next Thursday?! Then following that up w/ Black Friday weekend & the beginning of holiday shopping?! I already know work next weekend is going to drain me ouuut. Oh well, the perks of working in the only Flagship store in America.

Speaking of work.. Lol I'm just going to leave it at that. Don't worry, I CAN HANDLE MINES. :P

2008-11-12T23:47:00.000-05:00

HAHAHAH, I'm buggin'.

Ranting post.

2008-11-11T02:07:00.004-05:00

Ugh, as I'm typing this up, my fingers are numb & nearly frozen. Same goes for my toes, despite the fact I doubled up on socks. Not to mention I'm wearing my hoody, leggings, then my jeans over those. All this layering of clothing just to sit at home at 2AM. Stupid landlord, perfect timing to go & fk up the heating in my building, right? WRONG, I'M DYING DAMNIT.

& Stupid TD Bank still has a hold on my money. Everytime I come back to check my online banking, this damn "float" keeps appearing & won't deposit it into my account. I'm this close to back-handing the next bank teller I come across.

I should be getting some sleep real soon, but I just wanted to get this random update out of the way & to kill the boredom left in me. Although I had off from work today & spent it w/ fatboy aka the boyfriend, I realized that I have a whole list of things to do; & this list just resides in my mind, floating around & reminding me at random moments. Damn, I need to get it together, ASAP.

Hmm, have fun on your day tmrw, school kiddies. As for me, I'm working a night shift & closing up Uniqlo, unfortunately. Let's just hope that Erik isn't working tmrw to direct us in closing out; for my sake, & his as well.

REMINDER: Change this damn layout. Next time na lang.

2008-11-05T11:01:00.002-05:00

I'd like to start off this update by saying congratulations to Mr. Barack Obama, the United States of America, & most importantly, to everyone who voted in support for our new president. We've truly made history last night, & it feels so hopeful & relieving to see that although our country has fallen into some deep pits, we still have the ability to change. I leave it all up to you now, Mr. President; let's see if America has made the right choice by putting our trust in you.

Ugh, work every single day this week until Sunday. & It sucks because they gave me all the late shifts! Which means, 4 straight days of closing up the store. -_- This is KILLER on my feet, standing all day for 8-9 hours or so. On the books I'm classified as a part-time worker, but I swear I work full-time hours. I'm just pushing myself not to complain & to actually savor these work hours, because once school starts my paycheck'll be cut in half.

Speaking of paycheck, tell me how ridiculous TD Bank is! (Formally known as Commerce Bank, wtf?) On Friday I deposited my whole paycheck, which consisted of $450+. When I goto APC to buy a pair of jeans yesterday, it said declined. It spooked the hell out of me, because it's my own existing account; no one is hooked up to it or has a joint balance. So anything that happens to that money is under my own responsibility. I goto Chase Bank (it was the nearest one, the only TD Bank I know in Soho was 5 blocks away), & when I check my balance it said $98. WHERE THE HELL DID MY OTHER $330+ GO? Turns out it's on a 7-day float, which is government policy that holds onto any deposits for a certain period of time, to ensure that no fraudity can happen. Cockblock to the tenth powerrr, damn you government.

Oh, & I dyed my hair brown, again. It turned out darker than I wanted it to come out, but I can't complain. At least my whole head of hair is one solid color, as oppose to seeing obnoxious black roots.

Alrighty, off to do errands. Laundry, get this allibi all fixed up for work (I called off on Monday because I was exhausted from the night before, & I "took my mom to the chiropractor"), cook something up & then get ready to head out. Smell ya later.

2008-10-23T03:11:00.002-04:00

Once I save up enough & find a tatt artist that's legit, I'm coming for you. I'm in love w/ this particular one, I just need someone to sketch something similar to it. Hmmmmmm.

2008-10-21T02:34:00.002-04:00

So it's my second week of work, & needless to say I'm loving the whole retail experience. At first I was intimidated, just like anyone else would be entering a new environment. I feared it was going to be like Applebee's all over again, w/ everyone being so clique-y & excluding the new kid.. Surprisingly, my coworkers are amazingly friendly & so easy to get along w/. It shocked me as to how many people I've met within my first 2 days of working, literally half the floor introduced themselves to me as oppose to going out & attempting to make small talk. I absolutely love it at Uniqlo, despite the constant running around & bending over to fold/organize clothes. It's really true when they say "it's not considered work if you love doing what you do". I can't wait for payday next Friday, I made about 30 hours of work last week, & I'm pretty sure I'm bringing in another 30 this week. Cha-chiiing.

I was looking it up earlier online, & I have a good feeling about the Knicks this year. LOL, I know, I'm just another hopeless fan.. But seriously, their preseason standings aren't looking too bad at all! Tonight we beat the Nets, & Robinson was the top performer. Despite our shitty draft picking, a new coach on the team seems like just the change we desperately needed. W/ the way things were going w/ Isiah Thomas.. Damn, I don't want to even get into that.

Ugh, I'm in desperate need to go winter shopping. It's getting really cold really fast, & I'm in dire need of boots; sorry guys, sneakers just ain't cutting it anymore (& also due to the fact I sold a good majority of them, lol). & Eversince I started working in Soho, I've gotten the sudden addiction to wanting scarves / pashminas. I bought 2 yesterday, because every block you'll find a street vendor selling them. :x I need this paycheck to come in ASAP!

Alrightey, it's waaay past my bedtime. Word to having days off of work tmrw & sleeping at 3AM. At least now, my stupid landlord opened the heaters in my building. Now my apartment doesn't feel like a walk-in refrigerator, harhar.

2008-10-11T15:04:00.002-04:00

Oh by the way, I'm still alive. Just thought you guys should know. :P

Sorry for the lack of updates, due to my laziness & lack of eventful things in my life. Seriously, nothing has really changed since the last time I blogged. I kind of feel bad, so this time I'm going to try & make it a habit to update & just write. I always want to have some sort of entertainment & creativity going into these entries, but that only happens every so often (thus, the lack of updates). So, more blogging to be coming in the future. Even if it's totally boring & lame, I'll find other things to talk about.

For starters, your favorite non-college attending bumass finally found something to fill her time: UNIQLO! Who would've thought they'd actually extend the job to me. I'm super excited & I start training tmrw. I'm a Sales Associate on the first floor level, so come visit & say hi! I'll love it.

Last Saturday I went to the Common/NERD concert, & it was the experience of a lifetime. To see Pharrell literally 10 feet away, I bugged out the whole time (& of course OD'd on the pictures ;D). My Kuya Mikey was at the concert as well, along w/ his girlfriend & a few of his buddies. They had balcony tickets w/ rented table, but I definitely enjoyed having standing room floor tickets. The rush of the audience, getting pushed around only to shove other people back, it's something everyone's got'a experience themselves at least once in their life. But one thing that I hated was standing behind some 6-foot Shaq looking dude. I've never felt so short & cock-blocked in my life. Everytime Pharrell stood in front of him, I couldn't see shit!

Damn, Tuy's house party last night. I was exhausted the whole day, but knew it would so be worth it. My mom let me borrow the car, so I volunteered to be the transporter for all the supplies we had to buy for jungle juice. Bacardi 151, vodkas, Apple & Orange Schnapps, fruit punch, Koolaid, Sprite, SunnyDelight, & 5 cases of Coors Light.. It was kind of of a rattle in the back of my mind knowing all of those things were in my trunk. Exhausting as hell, but it felt good being so involved w/ setting up the party. Held down the flipcup table & won 6 consecutive games! Team Nasty w/ Babe & Chris, haha. It got pretty twisted from then on, because Myke hid the beers & made everyone use jungle juice for the game-- shit got to me QUICK. Good times, good laughs, & just good to see familiar faces come together again, although a few people came late / couldn't show up.

It was the 4th party we threw at Tuy's house, but it was the first time that we actually called a complaint. & Of course, w/ the complaint comes the cops. I already knew something bad was going to happen due to the amount of people who showed up (the biggest out of the 4 parties), but I disregarded it. I was in his living room right near the backyard, when some white girl came screaming inside "I'm not kidding, the cops are here!" Everyone got up & jetted out through the front door. It was kind of funny actually, cause we all didn't panic & shove eachother-- it looked more like a well-organized fire drill at school, lol. I ran towards Main St headed back to Union Turnpike as fast as I could, trying to avoid big crowds of teenagers running together. It was a rush & my heart nearly dropped down to my stomach, but I can now say that I've ran from the cops & escaped a busted house party. ;)

Btw, turns out Tuy didn't get busted. Cops let him off easy & w/ a warning, saying that if the noise volume gets out of hand then he's in for it. I found out some people were headed back to the house & continued on w/ games of beer pong, but I was too tired & still a little shook from the whole situation, so I decided to just head home.

That's basically the highlight of my life thus far, haha. Other than that, I've been doing the usual & taking life as it comes. At least now, I don't have to worry about job-hunting & such. Next up, getting that acceptance letter into Hunter so I can start school this Spring semester.

2008-09-24T04:17:00.002-04:00

I know that I mess up, alot. & If I could repeat the same sentence, over & over again, for the rest of my life, you already know which one it'd be: I'm a complicated girl to deal with. Yet I still can't give you enough credit for everything that you do for me; whether it be big or small.

I wish I could suck the romance out of every love movie & credit it to my own creativity. But let's face it, I'm about as smooth as sandpaper.

2008-09-22T02:36:00.002-04:00

I wish I saved every meaningful conversation I've had with Ryan Tupaz. To those who actually know his personality, you'd probably think that I'd have zero saved, but I was pretty surprised myself.

I never see him. Our plans of hanging out always fall through. The only reason he remembers my birthday is because it's the day before his. Our dads golf together every other Sunday of the month. Despite all these far-fetched circumstances, it's never awkward whenever I get a random IM from him. Actually, I like it when he does. It sparks interest for the sake of conversation; nothing more, nothing less.

ayo (2:34:42 AM): so how's life treating you
RIZ (2:34:55 AM): like
RIZ (2:35:02 AM): fuck i forgot the line
RIZ (2:35:03 AM): w.e
RIZ (2:35:15 AM): life doesnt treat me...i treat life
RIZ (2:35:34 AM): and its the way i treat life that shows what kind of life im supposed to have
ayo (2:35:54 AM): wow
RIZ (2:35:54 AM): im talking outta my ass right now, but that made sense
RIZ (2:36:00 AM): and it sounded sophisticated
ayo (2:36:03 AM): it actually did
ayo (2:36:08 AM): are you half-high?
ayo (2:36:09 AM): lol
RIZ (2:36:12 AM): i deno
RIZ (2:36:14 AM): i think im good
RIZ (2:36:25 AM): its been like fucking 8 hrs already
ayo (2:36:30 AM): haha
ayo (2:37:21 AM): you're an interesting person
ayo (2:37:28 AM): that's a good thing
ayo (2:37:30 AM): so don't get mad
ayo (2:37:31 AM): lol
RIZ (2:37:31 AM): lol
RIZ (2:37:35 AM): i wont get mad
RIZ (2:37:38 AM): not if its coming from you
ayo (2:37:42 AM): why me
RIZ (2:37:50 AM): cause youre kayleen
RIZ (2:37:52 AM): everythings good.

You can learn from the very minuscule of things in your life. Start to appreciate them.

2008-09-20T03:13:00.002-04:00

It's 3AM, & what better thing to do than to make resumes to submit for endless amounts of jobs that I've been applying to? SIKE. I made one back in VHHS for my business class, but it was bullshit I pulled out just for the grade. Now I wish I would've kept it saved somewhere on this laptop, because it's proves handy right about now. Fk my life.

So far, I've submitted an application to H&M & Uniqlo. I'm still debating whether or not I want to goto open interviews for American Apparel, which is held every Thursday & Sunday. Honestly, I'm very intimidated by the thought of it. Maybe I'll drag Tuy along with me this week, that is, if he's willing enough to emerge from his dorm & into the sunlight.

So, we have a mouse in the apartment.. & I don't think I've ever kept a broom so close to me in my life. Damnit, I wish it were one of Jon & Leila's friendly hamsters crawling around instead. :(

Off to bed. Insomnia, ftl.

2008-09-19T13:14:00.002-04:00

This feels nice. Waking up to find myself alone in the apartment, nothing but the sounds of NY1 news anchors' voices coming from the TV in the living room. Karryn's at school, mom & Kuya went to the bank & run errands. Me? I'm sitting all cozy at home, typing away & eating leftover Japanese food from Narita (yum, even after heating it up). I was listening to the weather report earlier, & I smiled when I found out the temperature isn't even going to peak over 70 today. You guys have no idea how long I've been anticipating some chilly, autumn weather. Although flaming hot beach weather is nice, I actually grew sick & tired of it.

I never realized how big of an impact music has on me. It's now become a second nature kind of thing, because when I leave my house everyday, the essentials are as followed: wallet, keys, eyeliner, iPod. If I'm missing one thing, I'm basically fked for the rest day. Well, turns out on Monday when I went to have dinner at my Ninang's house, I forget that poor, beat-up & aged iPod nano at her place. I never had the chance to go & pick it up until Wednesday, but until then I felt like something was missing. I was on the Q45 on Tuesday, & even though the bus had about 20 conversations all going on at once, to me it seemed so quiet & awkward.

While we're on the subject, I want a drum set. Badly. I guess my addiction for Rockband (I want Rockband 2 to come out already, the drum set looks siiickk!) too it a step further when I went to Guitar Center earlier this week. Karryn & I entertained ourselves for a good hour & a half, just trying to keep a simple beat without looking like dumbasses. & I got the hang of it, & I swear it didn't sound bad at all. (: I heard Jason has an electric drum set in his basement, flippin' sweeeeeet.

Common & NERD concert at Roseland Ballroom, this coming October 4th! I want to go sooo badly. I was looking up location & available tickets online yesterday, & the price ranges from $42-$120. God damn, I also need to find company to go with. Any down? Seeing Pharell in concert is pretty high up on my list of things to do in my lifetime. ;D

Okay, time to get ready. I still have to dig up all of my packed windbreakers & hoodies, buahaha. Oh & Leila, I'm still working to get my RSS feed enabled. Any help would be appreciated, but until then I'll just tear Blogspot up. Wish me luck.

2008-09-16T02:10:00.000-04:00

Comments, enabled.

Archive, enabled.

Switching up the layout, done deal.

It's still looking a bit boring, but that's because I don't have any Photoshop to spice things up. Plus, I'm extremely lazy. But in the mean time, enjoy, comment, & subscribe. I love feedback, even if it's bullshit. Lol.

Well, I'm off to bed. Tmrw will probably be my 15th attempt at waking up early & actually get myself motivated enough to go jogging.

2008-09-15T01:35:00.000-04:00

Quick update. To start things off, word to getting Leila & Karryn on Blogspot, lol.

Tell me how ridiculous getting a driving ticket is. I have to cough up $115 just for standing near a bus stop? I never knew the depth of my road rage until last Wednesday. My blood boiled as I watched the traffic officer write up my violation, & I was screaming on the inside. Now that I think about it, the situation was a pretty fked up one, because 1) it wasn't even my car I was driving, 2) my only source of income to pay it off is by selling sneakers. Yeah, laugh it up, it's hilariously sad.

I hate how the weather fluctuates in temperature. We've had a hurricane hit us (I think? Or so it seemed like one), then nice, laid-back chilly weather, then humidity, & now disgusting, sticky summer weather. & I heard tmrw it's going to be cold, wtf! I'm honestly done with wearing shorts & tanktops & wanting to wear hoodies & jackets again. Fall, where the fk are you at.

Damn, it's already 142AM & I'm still awake. I told myself that starting this week, I'm going to take charge of my situation & break these old, bad, bummy habits. Sleeping at normal consistent times, stop eating at unusual hours of the day, & starting up on my workout routine again. Yeah, I said it, working out. I set my alarm to 9AM tmrw so I could go jogging, harhar. Leila was also nice enough to call me, letting me know that this small restaurant by Jon's house called "New York Eats" is looking for experienced waitresses. I'm going to check it out to see if I like the environment, & hopefully get started up on a job again real soon. Although I have to admit, I'm itching to land a job in retail, a store that I shop in so I can juice out that employee discount, LOL.

Okay, that should be enough for now. & This layout is annoying me, time to tinker with Blogspot codes yet again!

PS, I'm going to call you out Mr. Kevin Lloyd Balingcongan. Come correct & tell me your Blogspot, creeper! The next text you send me, I expect a username. Kthanks, have a nice day.

2008-09-10T02:00:00.001-04:00

Personality assessment tests & Craigslist kill my self-esteem.

In a nutshell, Applebee's didn't turn out to be the job suited for me. Well, I mean the food industry is what I got used to, all thanks to Ihop. But I believe that no matter what the scenario is, nothing is ever worth it if you're completely miserable. Working at an upscale, popular dinner restaurant is guaranteed cash flow. But if I want to strangle my coworkers & tape the manager's mouth shut ever second I stand in their presence, then I'm obviously somewhere I don't need to be. Ever since I decided to stop dragging my sorry ass to work at Applebee's, it leaves little ol' me unemployed.

Fun & Freedom? Hardly.

I live a very uneventful life as of right now, being without a job & without school. As sick as it sounds, I actually envy those of you who have class & homework. Trust me, there is such a thing as TOO MUCH relaxation. I'm probably saying this now, because I tend to always want what I don't have. Once Winter semester rolls around & I'm balancing between homework, a job, the boyfriend, family, & personal time, I'm going to wish I could sleep all day. But, believe it or not, I'd rather be kept busy & occupied as opposed to just taking up space.

So this leaves me with my only option: job-hunting. My brother, who works at Red Lobster, was kind enough to put in a good name for me at his job. He snagged me an opportunity to apply as a hostess, so like any grateful sister & jumped at the chance of new income. Turns out I fail the assessment test, which is mandatory to pass in order to be considered for hire. What sucks is that when I applied to Applebee's, I failed their assessment test as well (the interviewer just gave me the benefit of the doubt & hired me anyway). I know it really wasn't that big of a deal, but c'mon. I practically stormed my away across the street, trying to keep a calm & collected attitude. I was more disappointed rather than mad. Oh well. I heard that he's going to try & score me a second chance, but even at that I still feel.. insecure? It's not the exact word I thinking of to describe what I'm feeling, but it'll do for now.

I'm thinking of expanding my horizons of jobs & debating whether to branch away from the whole restaurant biz. I actually applied to a bunch of office assistants & receptionist positions-- from what I've seen & heard, the hourly pay is pretty sweet. I just spent the last hour combing through listings upon listings, emailing to inquire about job openings. I've also thought of applying to retail clothing stores, just to open up more options. My first impressions on sales associates isn't really a positive one (can you say, "clothing maid"?), but you never know until you find out.

So wish me luck, because I need as much of it as I can get. Selling whats left of my sneaker collection can only cover for my expenses for so long. -_- Hopefully, I can find a job opportunity that's out there for me, an opportunity other than the food industry.

By the way, I applied to a coffee shop as well. I couldn't help myself, old habits die hard.

2008-09-05T01:41:00.000-04:00

So it really got me thinking.. Does my attitude adjustment that I took on ever since I left Chicago really reflect on my face? I mean, those who know me well enough, they've already eased up to the way I am. I'm genuinely a nice person, very open-minded & laidback. But with that, I also take no bullshit as it comes. Seriously, I have absolutely zero tolerance for it. I guess this past week, it concerns me whether or not I walk around looking like I want to rip someone's head clearly off their shoulders. Trust me, I don't!

Earlier tonight I was browsing around Facebook, you know, all the productive things that I do day by day (haha, SIKE). & Of course, I run into a few profiles that make me giggle sarcastically. Like, really now? Do these people realize how stupid they look? Prime example is my upstairs neighbor, & I won't say anything more because Miss Ghetto Mami Princess might cut me. (LOL! Give me a break.) I then move onto other people who's acceptance into my friend's list is very questionable.. Like certain girls I'm not too fond of; younger ones seem to annoy me the most. I find it hilarious how I still continue to blow off a majority of these people, & they feed off that shit. I love it.

The bottom line is to really not get on my bad side, bluntly put. I could ramble for days on about the quirks people do that make me grind my teeth, but what's the sense in that? It doesn't get anyone anywhere, complete waste of time. I guess it's just this filter system I've developed: some people & the bullshit they bring with them are just a waste of time. Why would I bother with something I could simply do without?

I'm not a bitch. I'm just uninterested, point blank.

..But if you do see me walking down the street & we're cool peoples (there's a distinct difference as to whether I like you or not, haha), don't hesistate to say hi! I love random incounters with friends. Harhar.

2008-09-03T00:36:00.001-04:00

Muy interesante.

To be continued, once everything is all figured out & set up, that is.