Venting Session.

"Be not afraid of greatness: some are born great, others achieve greatness, & some have greatness thrust upon them."

I'm still trying to figure out where I fall under. I'm walking along a very thin line that separates "achieving greatness" & "thrust upon greatness". (Haha, thrust.. Sorry.) You already know me, I like to earn whatever is given to me. But at the same time, I feel I take on too much responsibilities for myself to handle all at one time. It's just my nature, & in the middle of having a meltdown from juggling 6 things at once I feel like kicking myself for letting it get out of hand.

I work a good majority of the week & faithfully give a portion of my paycheck to help out with household expenses. On certain occasions (& when time permits) I help cook, clean, I supply Karryn with an allowance coming from my own pocket, & hold out my end of the bargain. When we moved into this apartment, as well as countless times in the past, we all agreed that this would be a FAMILY effort. Everyone takes on their own responsibilities, while at the same time helping each other out. I have to give myself credit where it is due, so I think that I'm doing a pretty good job. I just feel frustrated that Kuya can't keep up with helping out the family, on the financial end. I know times is rough & his hours aren't steady, but COME ON. Get your priorities straight & do something, damnit. He always complains about how he's bored with his life, how he's not satisfied with the situation that he's in. But at the same time, I don't see him doing anything to make it better.

My Mom is sick & out for the count. She has work later tonight from 530pm til midnight, & I just hope she's feeling well enough to get through her shift. I offered to drive Karryn to school this morning (which explains why I'm up so early), so that she could sleep & get her rest in. Kuya left around 8am to take his last final, which leaves me & mom at home. Clean the living room, wash the leftover dishes, vacuum & sweep, plus tidy up the mess Karryn leaves from her daily morning routine. Not to mention clean my bed & side of the room, which has clothes thrown everywhere & countless Uniqlo paper bags.

I'm just frustrated, because I hate when my Dad talks to my Mom saying that the 3 of us kids never do anything for her or the apartment. All we do is take up space & let her cater to us as oppose to contributing to the family. This is coming from the guy that only visits when he gets cut from his work shift, or when he needs money to pay bills. Speaking of, my phone bill is connected under my Dad's name, so Karryn & I depend on him to pay it off. A few days ago I got a text message from T-Mobile saying to call them regarding last month's paycheck, & I already knew that my service was getting cut off sometime this week. As if I'm not fed up playing "substitute Mom" already, this just adds even more fuel to the fire.

While all this does take a toll on me, I just can't seem to justify my frustrations & anger. If I weren't stepping up & being mature about all this, then who will? Karryn is just 14 & doesn't know any better. Kuya has no priorities, or at least not the important ones. Dad is not consistent, & my Mom is a benchwarmer. Who else is going to keep this place together? Guess that just means more karma points for me.

I'm exhausted. I closed at Uniqlo last night, & F trains were running all screwy so I didn't get home til 130am, didn't fall asleep til 3am. I drove Karryn in this freezing weather at 7am earlier this morning, I think that earns me a nap. The only thing my phone is good for is the alarm clock (for now at least), which is set to ring at noon. Catch ya guys later.