I'm learning..

"That fighting fire with fire isn’t the best solution. Enter a conflict with an open mind and find ways to compromise. Things don’t always go your way so don’t expect everything to fall into place the way you wanted it to be. I’m realizing that after 4 years of fighting this shit, I need to find a better way to come about this. I’m sorry for ever disrespecting you, and I’m sorry for ever being so arrogant. I know that you care, I was just too stubborn to see it. The only reason why I come off so defensive is because your ways of coming about things aren’t the best ways to approach a situation. But then again, I should’ve understood more. I should’ve seen your ways and where you came from. I just had an angry heart and in my mind, the best way to get back at you was to retaliate. Dad, I’m so sorry. Our relationship is very emotional to talk about because there is no relationship. I remember when I was a little kid that I would run to you everyday when you came home from work and give you the biggest hug ever. It’s as if I hadn’t seen you in so long. We use to sing kareoke together. That’s how I got my good taste in music.. because of you. We don’t have that anymore. Truth of the matter is, as much as I deny the way I feel about this, I love you deep down. I pray for you every chance I get just so things between us would get better. I get so mad at God because he seems to never come through with my requests. And when things get even worse, I get even more frustrated. I just want all of this to end. I guess I was tired of fighting and I gave up hope. I didn’t care anymore, and whatever I said was always right.. at least from my perspective. Now, I’m sitting back and finally realizing that I need a new way of handling about this. I know I’m better and I could do better. I just want to do better.." -- K.Bencio
Her thoughts & perspective on life as a whole are amazing. Definitely check her out, this biddy is baaad. <3

Definitely hit the nail on the head with this one. I read it & shit got me choked up on the inside, cause I'm not looking to make a scene in the middle of the computer lab. Certain aspects tug at the strings of my heart, cause I know exactly what you fkin' mean.

Times have changed, & people sometimes go along w/ it. It's just a shame that it had to happen to you.

To be honest, I sometimes hate how my mother brings up the fact that I once had a very close relationship w/ him. & This time, I'm putting shit in past tense - because how things were don't remain. Constantly toying w/ my emotions of him physically & mentally being there to support us, which only resulted in me waiting to a no-show. Fk money, fk financial comfort - all I wanted was a man who changed his ways & stuck through to his words. A man who can sacrifice not for the well-being of himself, but for the well-being of his own family. His own daughter. I've invested so much trust in him, & I can honestly call myself a fool because I've been let down more than once. I'm back to the same disappointing cycle of wondering where he is.

I'm an independent chick, I can handle my own. To add even more to that, I help out those who I hold closest to my heart - family. I take on responsibilities knowing that in my situation, there's more than just only looking out for me. I come home to a mother & 2 siblings, in which I try to help out their own specific needs. I've lived a life of unselfishness - but watching him bail out when he's in a tough spot only makes me see the lesser in him.

Enough of this back & forth, sick mind-fk of a relationship we have. I'm done. Let's see how effective the saying is, "you don't miss a good thing til it's gone."