Til Infinity.

Clearing out my old emails earlier today, I came across a few old conversations I saved & mailed to myself from last year. I know, I'm a sentimental cornball like that. It was during one of the rougher stages in my life, or maybe I could openly admit it was the hardest point in time that I ever went through.

I've been through family complications.
I've watched relatives walk out of my life without remorse.
I've had the past relived by people walking back into my life without consent.
I've been moved halfway across the country against my will.
I've lost many nights of sleep over financial problems.

But nothing compared to the matters dealing with probably the most fragile part of my body: my heart.

Looking back, I realized I've endured so much pain & bullshit (bluntly put) while handling the break up. & On rare occasions when I find the time to open up those emails & read over those old entries, it still touches that same nerve like it did a year ago. Not to say that I feel the same heartache as I did before, but it's something I've got to live with for the rest of my life - the damage has been done. The only thing I can't quite put my finger on is why can't I find it in me to just delete them? It's a vicious cycle of those emails just sitting in that folder, me coming around to read them, then I take a minute to sit back, let out a sigh & feel a fraction of the hurt I once felt. & Instead of deleting them, I close the file & tuck it away for the next time I read it. I feel guilty for doing it, so why do I continue to do so?

I'm not finding a way to justify my skepticism - I wouldn't need to, because I'm perfectly happy where my relationship stands as of now. But little factors that bring up the past, especially other girls who were involved & still keep in touch.. I become the most secretive insecure being ever. Even when I know damn well I'm way beyond their level, my number one fear is being left alone.

Back in the day, I held down my own. Even being in a relationship with my first boyfriend, he didn't have an impact like this one does. Although I've always been locked down with a boy, independence was a defining factor in me & everyone knew damn well of it, too. Not to say that I don't hold the same quality in me, but I guess I've met my match. It's so funny how I hold a very grounded exterior, giving the impression that I'm perfectly fine taking care of myself - yet on the inside, I've got this deep dependency on him. I rarely show my affection publicly, but trust - it's all there. I'm the type to really miss someone when they're not around, yet when I'm with them everything seems in order. Everything seems right.

After taking the time to read over what I've typed, I decided to finally delete those emails. What's the sense of reliving old emotions if they made me miserable in the first place? Instead of opening old wounds from the past, turn it around & make positive use out of it. Learn from old mistakes & heartache. Use it to be thankful for where you ended up & what you have now.

Babe,
I know I was never good at showing my sentimental emotions publicly. & With the bumps along the journey of our relationship, plus the emotional stress life has been throwing at me, I know for a fact that I've cut back even more on expressing my feelings. But when I say I miss you, I mean it times 10. When I say I love you, I tell you in complete confidence. When I hold your free hand while driving, when I get to wake up before you & watch you nap, when I sneak in extra hugs while waiting in line, they mean the world to me. Coming from a girl who's experienced many aspects of life that lack permanence, I've grown a major dependency on you. I'm just looking forward to sticking by you for as long as I can, because you've been a part of me that I can't see doing without. Fk circumstances, fk age, & fk the status quo - I can't see me going through the motions of life with anyone else. Not entirely romantic, professing my sensitive side on the internet.. But you catch my drift. I love you, B. So I'm sayin', you should stick around for a while.