Self-sacrifices

Something that's second nature to me nowadays. I eat those.

Random Fact #3

I know random ass shit about cars, like bits & pieces of things that don't follow up.

For instance, the difference between a turbocharger versus a supercharger. Yet when someone asked me where blow-off valves were located the other day, I couldn't answer them.

I'm still learning. :X

First semester of college.

Italian 111: B+
English 101: B-
Psychology 510: A-
Math 120: B
Spring '09 GPA: 3.2

Bleh, not too shabby considering my first semester of college. Totally rocked the 3.8 GPA during the beginning of the semester but started slacking once the year dragged on.. But I still kept my priorities straight. Got'a admit, Fall is most definitely going to kick my ass, especially with Biology - but in some sick & twisted way, I'm kind of looking forward to it.

ANYWAYS, hellllloooo summer. I've missed you.

Random Fact #2

I'm indecisive as hell & don't make up my mind until the last minute.

Perfect example: what to wear as soon as I get out of the shower. Doh.

Can You Stand the Rain?

Random Fact #1

My pride gets in the way of too many things way too often.

Til Infinity.

Clearing out my old emails earlier today, I came across a few old conversations I saved & mailed to myself from last year. I know, I'm a sentimental cornball like that. It was during one of the rougher stages in my life, or maybe I could openly admit it was the hardest point in time that I ever went through.

I've been through family complications.
I've watched relatives walk out of my life without remorse.
I've had the past relived by people walking back into my life without consent.
I've been moved halfway across the country against my will.
I've lost many nights of sleep over financial problems.

But nothing compared to the matters dealing with probably the most fragile part of my body: my heart.

Looking back, I realized I've endured so much pain & bullshit (bluntly put) while handling the break up. & On rare occasions when I find the time to open up those emails & read over those old entries, it still touches that same nerve like it did a year ago. Not to say that I feel the same heartache as I did before, but it's something I've got to live with for the rest of my life - the damage has been done. The only thing I can't quite put my finger on is why can't I find it in me to just delete them? It's a vicious cycle of those emails just sitting in that folder, me coming around to read them, then I take a minute to sit back, let out a sigh & feel a fraction of the hurt I once felt. & Instead of deleting them, I close the file & tuck it away for the next time I read it. I feel guilty for doing it, so why do I continue to do so?

I'm not finding a way to justify my skepticism - I wouldn't need to, because I'm perfectly happy where my relationship stands as of now. But little factors that bring up the past, especially other girls who were involved & still keep in touch.. I become the most secretive insecure being ever. Even when I know damn well I'm way beyond their level, my number one fear is being left alone.

Back in the day, I held down my own. Even being in a relationship with my first boyfriend, he didn't have an impact like this one does. Although I've always been locked down with a boy, independence was a defining factor in me & everyone knew damn well of it, too. Not to say that I don't hold the same quality in me, but I guess I've met my match. It's so funny how I hold a very grounded exterior, giving the impression that I'm perfectly fine taking care of myself - yet on the inside, I've got this deep dependency on him. I rarely show my affection publicly, but trust - it's all there. I'm the type to really miss someone when they're not around, yet when I'm with them everything seems in order. Everything seems right.

After taking the time to read over what I've typed, I decided to finally delete those emails. What's the sense of reliving old emotions if they made me miserable in the first place? Instead of opening old wounds from the past, turn it around & make positive use out of it. Learn from old mistakes & heartache. Use it to be thankful for where you ended up & what you have now.

Babe,
I know I was never good at showing my sentimental emotions publicly. & With the bumps along the journey of our relationship, plus the emotional stress life has been throwing at me, I know for a fact that I've cut back even more on expressing my feelings. But when I say I miss you, I mean it times 10. When I say I love you, I tell you in complete confidence. When I hold your free hand while driving, when I get to wake up before you & watch you nap, when I sneak in extra hugs while waiting in line, they mean the world to me. Coming from a girl who's experienced many aspects of life that lack permanence, I've grown a major dependency on you. I'm just looking forward to sticking by you for as long as I can, because you've been a part of me that I can't see doing without. Fk circumstances, fk age, & fk the status quo - I can't see me going through the motions of life with anyone else. Not entirely romantic, professing my sensitive side on the internet.. But you catch my drift. I love you, B. So I'm sayin', you should stick around for a while.

Dela Vega

Words to live by. My boy Chris told me about this artist & his works, sometime last week we even hit up his spot in the village. He's a dope guy, a character all in his own way. He was pretty chill about us browsing through his stuff, which are quite interesting.. Nyc heads, I advise you to stop by & take a look at his shit. The sticker I got was going for 3 bucks, but he gave it to us along w/ his business card. It made my day, & best believe I'm living by it. Just watch me.

Check him out here.

Special.mp3

"On your end, it's simple all you have to do, is give me no reason for other lovers after you." -- Drake

On the grind.

I'm focused, maaaaaan.

But that doesn't mean I'm absolutely ready to buggout, suckafree style. These last days of school + finals need to hurry the fk up.

Wiiiii.. FIT!

Happy Mother's Day! The sermon today at mass brought up some really good points.. We should not limit this day to just mothers & grandmothers, but also to aunts, Godmothers, caretakers, foster parents, & anyone with nurturing qualities. The love & caring only a female can provide comes from people who break beyond the title of a mother. So for all my females out there with the patience of a saint, enjoy your day! (:

I was hyped this year getting my mom her Wii Fit.. & From the get go people been saying how messed up I am cause it's implying that I think she's fat.. UH, no. Shit is actually pretty fun & my mom would always get excited when seeing the commercial. So I copped it for Mamadukes, & Kuya's gnna cover dinner at the city tonight. Babyback ribs, haaaaiightt!

Last week of official classes this week, & then 3 days of annoying finals following that.. Final stretch, baby! After that, I'm a free woman, sort of. But whatever, work is much more bearable when I don't have to juggle between studying & homework. With that said, summer is juuuust around the corner.

SUMMER '09 HITLIST:
[ ] Cop that half-back Phoenix tattoo
[ ] Save at least $500 by the end of Summer
[ ] Spend a week or 2 in Chicago
[ ] Get back in shape
[ ] Learn how to drive stick
[ ] Go to the beach x2349028309! :D

I'm pretty sure I'm missing a whole bunch of thangs, but oh well. It'll come back to me eventually.

YES, my turn up on the Wii. Gnna catch my daily routine workout, then head over to Barnes & Noble before hitting up the city. Peaaas.

Leaked.

I really could give a fk less about Cassie or Rihanna's pierced tits.. But I think this shit is just the icing on the cake. Chris Breezy say's "GIMME THAT". I crack myself up.

I'm learning..

"That fighting fire with fire isn’t the best solution. Enter a conflict with an open mind and find ways to compromise. Things don’t always go your way so don’t expect everything to fall into place the way you wanted it to be. I’m realizing that after 4 years of fighting this shit, I need to find a better way to come about this. I’m sorry for ever disrespecting you, and I’m sorry for ever being so arrogant. I know that you care, I was just too stubborn to see it. The only reason why I come off so defensive is because your ways of coming about things aren’t the best ways to approach a situation. But then again, I should’ve understood more. I should’ve seen your ways and where you came from. I just had an angry heart and in my mind, the best way to get back at you was to retaliate. Dad, I’m so sorry. Our relationship is very emotional to talk about because there is no relationship. I remember when I was a little kid that I would run to you everyday when you came home from work and give you the biggest hug ever. It’s as if I hadn’t seen you in so long. We use to sing kareoke together. That’s how I got my good taste in music.. because of you. We don’t have that anymore. Truth of the matter is, as much as I deny the way I feel about this, I love you deep down. I pray for you every chance I get just so things between us would get better. I get so mad at God because he seems to never come through with my requests. And when things get even worse, I get even more frustrated. I just want all of this to end. I guess I was tired of fighting and I gave up hope. I didn’t care anymore, and whatever I said was always right.. at least from my perspective. Now, I’m sitting back and finally realizing that I need a new way of handling about this. I know I’m better and I could do better. I just want to do better.." -- K.Bencio
Her thoughts & perspective on life as a whole are amazing. Definitely check her out, this biddy is baaad. <3

Definitely hit the nail on the head with this one. I read it & shit got me choked up on the inside, cause I'm not looking to make a scene in the middle of the computer lab. Certain aspects tug at the strings of my heart, cause I know exactly what you fkin' mean.

Times have changed, & people sometimes go along w/ it. It's just a shame that it had to happen to you.

To be honest, I sometimes hate how my mother brings up the fact that I once had a very close relationship w/ him. & This time, I'm putting shit in past tense - because how things were don't remain. Constantly toying w/ my emotions of him physically & mentally being there to support us, which only resulted in me waiting to a no-show. Fk money, fk financial comfort - all I wanted was a man who changed his ways & stuck through to his words. A man who can sacrifice not for the well-being of himself, but for the well-being of his own family. His own daughter. I've invested so much trust in him, & I can honestly call myself a fool because I've been let down more than once. I'm back to the same disappointing cycle of wondering where he is.

I'm an independent chick, I can handle my own. To add even more to that, I help out those who I hold closest to my heart - family. I take on responsibilities knowing that in my situation, there's more than just only looking out for me. I come home to a mother & 2 siblings, in which I try to help out their own specific needs. I've lived a life of unselfishness - but watching him bail out when he's in a tough spot only makes me see the lesser in him.

Enough of this back & forth, sick mind-fk of a relationship we have. I'm done. Let's see how effective the saying is, "you don't miss a good thing til it's gone."

Blood.

Ha, this puts a smile on my face forreal. Love digging up old shit.

When the going gets tough

..you don't pussy out.





Sometimes I don't know what to think of you.

EVR & KYR.

Currently situated at home (sitting on my living room floor to be exact), loungin' on a late Friday night. Got good company over, nothing too big yet I'm content as hell.

Good ass vibes, shameless plug goes out to East Village Radio for featuring a recent favorite DJ of mine, DJ Siik. Also big ups to Chrizzay for putting me on him, thanks budd-o!

POH's showcase tmrw, let's see how many familiar faces I bump into. Good luck to my niggas performing (:

Someone cop this for me, please? Kthanks.


Time to catch some snoozes, weouut.