Damn, it's been a minute since I've updated. Whoops! You already should know I promise to blog half-heartedly, because I always find a way to leave things hanging. Don't worry, I'm alive & well. There's not much to as when it comes to eventful things.. All except the fact that school starts for CUNY next Monday! & Not just school, but COLLEGE for me. I'm a semester late, & I do hold a small ounce of regret for skipping it.. But what's done is done, comprende?
I'm anxious & excited all together. After 7 months of my brain turning into mush, it's safe to say that I officially missed the schoolwork. Cramming, pushing the snooze button for 5 more minutes, finding out as soon as I walk into class that an assignment was due - it kind of makes me miss high school. Although I had ZERO intention of going to Queensborough, it's not going to be half bad. I like the feeling of knowing I'll be driving to campus, napping in the library, or watching DVDs in class on the laptop. But of course, I also promised to myself & my family that I'd do well this semester. I have a certain drive to want to get a good GPA, to prove to myself that I can handle things when I remain in control of everything.
With school coming up, that means school supply shoppaaang.
- A new bag, cause well - what girl WOULDN'T like a new one? :P
- Dig up my old TI-83, I HEART MATH. (Lawl.)
- Purple post-it notes, it's amazing how much easier my life is with them
- HP Mini 1000 Netbook, aooooowhh. <3
Time to switch up my priorities, meaning focus more on school as oppose to work. You guys already know the Filipino perspective on life, STUDIES PIRST, BOYPREND/WORK/SLEEP SECOND. Tssh, I'm a tough cookie - not to mention an excellent multi-tasker. I just need to really brace myself when it comes to money-management. Gas funds, food, & books? Looks like those spontaneous impulse shopping sprees that I love so much will have to be done without. :( Ah, I'll survive.
Winter is not being good to me, & when I say this I refer to my skin. The wind dries the hell out of my legs & face, on top of that I'm breaking out. It looks like there's another head growing out from my chin! Ughhh. I need all the sleep I can get, later navigators.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Anger Management.
This is pathetic. I don't know where it came from or how long it's been bottled up, but my Mom just exploded on my sister & I at 2AM. I mean, she never lay a finger on us, but that's not to say that she doesn't do damage. I hate it though. It annoys me, because whenever she takes out her anger, they're reckless & could be done without them. & Once she's calmed down, once that cloud of frustration has cleared from her eyes, she just looks stupid & regretful.
Karryn napped from 5-8pm today, & I dozed off on my bed from 9-11pm. The whole apartment was asleep while Karryn & I lay in our room, glancing over to our cellphones every now & then. We sparked up some conversation in a low key voice, not quite whispering but still considerate enough for those sleeping around us. I heard my Mom's voice yell out something stern, I didn't really make out the words, but I knew she was pissed. She stormed into our room & demanded that Karryn sleep on the couch (away from me, so that we wouldn't talk anymore), & to wake up early enough to catch the bus to school. She turned her attention towards me, & asked if I cared that Karryn has school in less than 6 hours. Her fury really rattled her thought process, & I could tell because every response I'd give her she interpreted as an attack or counter to her authority (which wasn't - I'm not in the mood to argue). I simply gave her the answers she wanted to hear, & short after she made her way to the bathroom to take care of whatever business she had. When she was done, I listened to her pounding footsteps, as if this burdened anger manifested into pounds & made her heavier, then proceeded to grab something only to be shattered on the floor. I heard porcelain shards, coins, a few necklaces, & papers. Before she retreated to her bedroom, she decided to add some finishing touches by channeling her inner Jackie Chan & kicking my door, which now has a huge hole on both sides. She blurted out a few more lines of anger, but at this point her speech is too muffled by her rage to be made out into words.
I'm completely fine, to be honest it doesn't even scare me anymore. I'm more along the lines as annoyed. Whenever she gets like this, she does stupid things that are so spur of the moment. My door is a perfect example. We're only renting this apartment, & now we're going to have to pay a little extra just for this hole. The little tray she broke was part of a gift giveaway from Tita Sonia's birthday dinner, & although it was miniscule, it was still sentimental. So thanks Mom, for that random outburst of stupidity. I can understand this is probably rooted from dealing with Karryn as of lately, but to take it out like that? There are far better ways to getting things done.
Not to come off rude or disrespectful, but I can say I understand where all this frustration is coming from. I don't blame her for feeling so shitty about not going anywhere with her life as of now. I've noticed lately that my Mom stays home all day, faithfully perched on the couch watching endless amounts of DTV. She claims to have a job as a part-time Sales Associate at Macys, which was temporary until her LPN certificate cleared. But something tells me that she secretly "no called no showed" this place, because she hasn't been to work for 3 weeks.
She's hit rock bottom before, but a second time around? Come on, get your act together already. Don't take your frustration out on us, namely me, just because I have my priorities straight. Hate to say it, but people need to be told the blunt truth sometimes. Way to start off your 2009..
Karryn napped from 5-8pm today, & I dozed off on my bed from 9-11pm. The whole apartment was asleep while Karryn & I lay in our room, glancing over to our cellphones every now & then. We sparked up some conversation in a low key voice, not quite whispering but still considerate enough for those sleeping around us. I heard my Mom's voice yell out something stern, I didn't really make out the words, but I knew she was pissed. She stormed into our room & demanded that Karryn sleep on the couch (away from me, so that we wouldn't talk anymore), & to wake up early enough to catch the bus to school. She turned her attention towards me, & asked if I cared that Karryn has school in less than 6 hours. Her fury really rattled her thought process, & I could tell because every response I'd give her she interpreted as an attack or counter to her authority (which wasn't - I'm not in the mood to argue). I simply gave her the answers she wanted to hear, & short after she made her way to the bathroom to take care of whatever business she had. When she was done, I listened to her pounding footsteps, as if this burdened anger manifested into pounds & made her heavier, then proceeded to grab something only to be shattered on the floor. I heard porcelain shards, coins, a few necklaces, & papers. Before she retreated to her bedroom, she decided to add some finishing touches by channeling her inner Jackie Chan & kicking my door, which now has a huge hole on both sides. She blurted out a few more lines of anger, but at this point her speech is too muffled by her rage to be made out into words.
I'm completely fine, to be honest it doesn't even scare me anymore. I'm more along the lines as annoyed. Whenever she gets like this, she does stupid things that are so spur of the moment. My door is a perfect example. We're only renting this apartment, & now we're going to have to pay a little extra just for this hole. The little tray she broke was part of a gift giveaway from Tita Sonia's birthday dinner, & although it was miniscule, it was still sentimental. So thanks Mom, for that random outburst of stupidity. I can understand this is probably rooted from dealing with Karryn as of lately, but to take it out like that? There are far better ways to getting things done.
Not to come off rude or disrespectful, but I can say I understand where all this frustration is coming from. I don't blame her for feeling so shitty about not going anywhere with her life as of now. I've noticed lately that my Mom stays home all day, faithfully perched on the couch watching endless amounts of DTV. She claims to have a job as a part-time Sales Associate at Macys, which was temporary until her LPN certificate cleared. But something tells me that she secretly "no called no showed" this place, because she hasn't been to work for 3 weeks.
She's hit rock bottom before, but a second time around? Come on, get your act together already. Don't take your frustration out on us, namely me, just because I have my priorities straight. Hate to say it, but people need to be told the blunt truth sometimes. Way to start off your 2009..
Monday, January 5, 2009
A little something I dug up.
Written over a year ago, from my old Xanga. It's amazing how time seems to fly by.. Real update soon to come. I've contemplated writing, but just haven't found the right time to sit & type it out.
"I'm sitting here w/ a mind that doesn't know exactly what to write, & a heart that doesn't know exactly what it feels. To start things off, 2007 has definitely blown by way too quickly. I can remember what I was doing last year, reminiscing how excited I was for the year ahead of me-- then again, who isn't. But time is something that is taken for granted way too often. I myself feel that I waste time a majority of my days. Despite this, the past year has taken me down roads that have twists, turns, detours, speed bumps, anything &everything. &In the end, when you take time to sit down during those last few minutes of 2007 to really think of what you have to show for those 365 days-- your mind starts to run away w/ it (at least mine has). Then, those actions that you have taken during 2007 becomes a reflection of previous years, & you inquire w/ yourself how the hell did things end up this way. Fate has a mysterious way of lining up the pieces of your life &having them fall perfectly into place to form what you make of your present. So for this upcoming 2008 year, I really want to stick by my resolutions-- none of that cliche garbage you hear on commericials, but rather something realistic &attainable. Something I know that I can set my mind to &strive for.
Overall, I want to be a better person. Don't worry, before you start gagging let me finish. When I say a better person, I mean it in many different aspects. I want to be healthier. Coming from a Filipino family, it's common to hear "C'mon you eat anak, you are too eskeeny!" but let's face the reality here: I'm a certified fatass, lolol. Healthier in ways that could benefit me w/o straining too much. Example, how I'm gradually laying off the cigs& eventually going to quit, deadass. I mean seriously, since when did smokes and track& field mix? Speaking of track& field, I'm really going to commit to it& stick by it. Which leads me to my next intention of really following through w/ things that spark my interest. Saying something & doing something are 2 totally different things. So many times have I said I wanted to do this, but end up assing off. It's crossed my conscience &bothered me several times, but this year I've decided to become more aware of it.
I also want to be a better person through the perspective of others-- by that, I mean a better daughter, sister, girlfriend& friend. I want to stop giving people around me less bullshit& start maturing even more. W/ the circumstances that life's throwing at me right now, it's forced me to see things in a much more mature fashion, because when push comes to shove, you got'a do what you got'a do. Keeping my grades up, working on the weekends, driving, spending money wisely& paying bills. It's something that I can say has impacted me towards the middle / ending of 2007, & has strengthened my independence. I want to cut down on the sarcasm but at the same time still maintain that unique sense of humor as well. Let's face it, times are changing. College is right around the corner, &I'm pretty sure no one is going to want to deal w/ high school antics-- minus the few exceptions. ;P
But most importantly, I want to be a better girlfriend-- even though I strive to be every day. I say this because this boy deserves my all, even during the misunderstandings &arguments. Although he hasn't been around enough to know the full story of my past, I can see my future being formed w/ him. He's my support team, my vent session, my buggout, my good mornings & my good nights. Although the distance that seperates us now gets hard at times, it doesn't scare me. It may get to the best of me, but those nostalgic feelings don't come w/ doubts. Call me crazy, but so be it. I'm a fool, pure sucka for love. :P These past 2 weeks I got to spend w/ him have been nothing short of bittersweet. Knowing that something I missed having, is only temporary? It keeps you up at night. It causes you to think way too much into things. No matter how many conclusions you draw yourself into, or how many "could've, should've, would've" statements you make up, it doesn't change the fact that this Friday, it's going to be just as hard as saying goodbye the first time. It kills me. I was never any good at departing scenes-- I don't care if you're some Oscar-winning actress in a 5-star love movie, I'm still going to be gay &cry. But, enough of that. I love this kid, for everything that he is& does. This year, I want to take more initiative. I want to work harder during arguments &let my guard down more often. I just want to give back just as much as you put into it. "The juice is worth the squeeze." I love you Babe, ya cornball. (:
So here's to yet another year under our belts. I hope that you all have a safe, happy, &healthy year ahead of all you guys. Also, if 2007 has taught me something valuable, it's to be open-minded-- see the bigger picture in situations rather than what's in front of us. Oh, &to never loose your sense of humor."
"I'm sitting here w/ a mind that doesn't know exactly what to write, & a heart that doesn't know exactly what it feels. To start things off, 2007 has definitely blown by way too quickly. I can remember what I was doing last year, reminiscing how excited I was for the year ahead of me-- then again, who isn't. But time is something that is taken for granted way too often. I myself feel that I waste time a majority of my days. Despite this, the past year has taken me down roads that have twists, turns, detours, speed bumps, anything &everything. &In the end, when you take time to sit down during those last few minutes of 2007 to really think of what you have to show for those 365 days-- your mind starts to run away w/ it (at least mine has). Then, those actions that you have taken during 2007 becomes a reflection of previous years, & you inquire w/ yourself how the hell did things end up this way. Fate has a mysterious way of lining up the pieces of your life &having them fall perfectly into place to form what you make of your present. So for this upcoming 2008 year, I really want to stick by my resolutions-- none of that cliche garbage you hear on commericials, but rather something realistic &attainable. Something I know that I can set my mind to &strive for.
Overall, I want to be a better person. Don't worry, before you start gagging let me finish. When I say a better person, I mean it in many different aspects. I want to be healthier. Coming from a Filipino family, it's common to hear "C'mon you eat anak, you are too eskeeny!" but let's face the reality here: I'm a certified fatass, lolol. Healthier in ways that could benefit me w/o straining too much. Example, how I'm gradually laying off the cigs& eventually going to quit, deadass. I mean seriously, since when did smokes and track& field mix? Speaking of track& field, I'm really going to commit to it& stick by it. Which leads me to my next intention of really following through w/ things that spark my interest. Saying something & doing something are 2 totally different things. So many times have I said I wanted to do this, but end up assing off. It's crossed my conscience &bothered me several times, but this year I've decided to become more aware of it.
I also want to be a better person through the perspective of others-- by that, I mean a better daughter, sister, girlfriend& friend. I want to stop giving people around me less bullshit& start maturing even more. W/ the circumstances that life's throwing at me right now, it's forced me to see things in a much more mature fashion, because when push comes to shove, you got'a do what you got'a do. Keeping my grades up, working on the weekends, driving, spending money wisely& paying bills. It's something that I can say has impacted me towards the middle / ending of 2007, & has strengthened my independence. I want to cut down on the sarcasm but at the same time still maintain that unique sense of humor as well. Let's face it, times are changing. College is right around the corner, &I'm pretty sure no one is going to want to deal w/ high school antics-- minus the few exceptions. ;P
But most importantly, I want to be a better girlfriend-- even though I strive to be every day. I say this because this boy deserves my all, even during the misunderstandings &arguments. Although he hasn't been around enough to know the full story of my past, I can see my future being formed w/ him. He's my support team, my vent session, my buggout, my good mornings & my good nights. Although the distance that seperates us now gets hard at times, it doesn't scare me. It may get to the best of me, but those nostalgic feelings don't come w/ doubts. Call me crazy, but so be it. I'm a fool, pure sucka for love. :P These past 2 weeks I got to spend w/ him have been nothing short of bittersweet. Knowing that something I missed having, is only temporary? It keeps you up at night. It causes you to think way too much into things. No matter how many conclusions you draw yourself into, or how many "could've, should've, would've" statements you make up, it doesn't change the fact that this Friday, it's going to be just as hard as saying goodbye the first time. It kills me. I was never any good at departing scenes-- I don't care if you're some Oscar-winning actress in a 5-star love movie, I'm still going to be gay &cry. But, enough of that. I love this kid, for everything that he is& does. This year, I want to take more initiative. I want to work harder during arguments &let my guard down more often. I just want to give back just as much as you put into it. "The juice is worth the squeeze." I love you Babe, ya cornball. (:
So here's to yet another year under our belts. I hope that you all have a safe, happy, &healthy year ahead of all you guys. Also, if 2007 has taught me something valuable, it's to be open-minded-- see the bigger picture in situations rather than what's in front of us. Oh, &to never loose your sense of humor."
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