Venting Session.

"Be not afraid of greatness: some are born great, others achieve greatness, & some have greatness thrust upon them."

I'm still trying to figure out where I fall under. I'm walking along a very thin line that separates "achieving greatness" & "thrust upon greatness". (Haha, thrust.. Sorry.) You already know me, I like to earn whatever is given to me. But at the same time, I feel I take on too much responsibilities for myself to handle all at one time. It's just my nature, & in the middle of having a meltdown from juggling 6 things at once I feel like kicking myself for letting it get out of hand.

I work a good majority of the week & faithfully give a portion of my paycheck to help out with household expenses. On certain occasions (& when time permits) I help cook, clean, I supply Karryn with an allowance coming from my own pocket, & hold out my end of the bargain. When we moved into this apartment, as well as countless times in the past, we all agreed that this would be a FAMILY effort. Everyone takes on their own responsibilities, while at the same time helping each other out. I have to give myself credit where it is due, so I think that I'm doing a pretty good job. I just feel frustrated that Kuya can't keep up with helping out the family, on the financial end. I know times is rough & his hours aren't steady, but COME ON. Get your priorities straight & do something, damnit. He always complains about how he's bored with his life, how he's not satisfied with the situation that he's in. But at the same time, I don't see him doing anything to make it better.

My Mom is sick & out for the count. She has work later tonight from 530pm til midnight, & I just hope she's feeling well enough to get through her shift. I offered to drive Karryn to school this morning (which explains why I'm up so early), so that she could sleep & get her rest in. Kuya left around 8am to take his last final, which leaves me & mom at home. Clean the living room, wash the leftover dishes, vacuum & sweep, plus tidy up the mess Karryn leaves from her daily morning routine. Not to mention clean my bed & side of the room, which has clothes thrown everywhere & countless Uniqlo paper bags.

I'm just frustrated, because I hate when my Dad talks to my Mom saying that the 3 of us kids never do anything for her or the apartment. All we do is take up space & let her cater to us as oppose to contributing to the family. This is coming from the guy that only visits when he gets cut from his work shift, or when he needs money to pay bills. Speaking of, my phone bill is connected under my Dad's name, so Karryn & I depend on him to pay it off. A few days ago I got a text message from T-Mobile saying to call them regarding last month's paycheck, & I already knew that my service was getting cut off sometime this week. As if I'm not fed up playing "substitute Mom" already, this just adds even more fuel to the fire.

While all this does take a toll on me, I just can't seem to justify my frustrations & anger. If I weren't stepping up & being mature about all this, then who will? Karryn is just 14 & doesn't know any better. Kuya has no priorities, or at least not the important ones. Dad is not consistent, & my Mom is a benchwarmer. Who else is going to keep this place together? Guess that just means more karma points for me.

I'm exhausted. I closed at Uniqlo last night, & F trains were running all screwy so I didn't get home til 130am, didn't fall asleep til 3am. I drove Karryn in this freezing weather at 7am earlier this morning, I think that earns me a nap. The only thing my phone is good for is the alarm clock (for now at least), which is set to ring at noon. Catch ya guys later.

Truth behind it all.

The only reason why I'm such a bitch is because I'd rather be heartless, instead of being so emotionally vulnerable like I once was before.

But every once in a while, old habits seem to come back up. I hate it & love it all at the same time.

Everyday stores a lesson, but I wasn't quite in a learning mood.

Wealth is of the heart & mind - not the pocket.

Money has always been a touchy issue for me. Whether it'd be talking about it, dealing with it, or just making it. Often times I just wish that I could some day buy a lotto ticket, put in my lucky numbers, & then later that night when I'm watching the 11 o'clock news, I'd somehow match them up from the TV screen onto this flimsy, pink paper - making me millions of dollars richer, not to mention being set for LIFE. 

I have a swirl of mixed feelings when it comes to being looted. You're always a step ahead of the game financially, you make the most of materialistic lust, & let's face it - you get what you want. I know it's a really bad stereotype to be having this perspective, but majority of the time it's true. I'll even openly admit that it's the envy in me that's causing me to feel this way, but at the same time I also take pride in not being able to grow up lavishly. It gives me a sense of who I am, how I was brought up, & what it's molded me into. I appreciate the things that I've worked hard for & find value in miniscule ways. I would rather have that feeling of satisfaction from earning something with money that I stacked myself, as oppose to it being handed to me an a silver plate.

It's funny, because at work we always ask ridiculous questions dealing with money. For your entertainment, I present to you a typical conversation in our employee break room:

Larry: For a million dollars, would you punch your mother in the mouth?

Me: ...Yes, because I'd just use my money to pay for her medical bills.

Larry: Okay so for 2 million, would you punch her with brass knuckles on?

Me: NO, CAUSE YOU CAN'T BUY BACK YOUR MOM'S RESPECT FOR YOU.

- LMAO.

Yeah, it gets pretty nasty. Other ones that I've heard around the floor go something like, "Would you let Michael Jackson shit in your mouth", or "Would you pick a booger out of George Bush's nose with your tongue", & just crazy shit like that. Believe me, it's better in person.

But other than that, I often ask myself questions dealing with money. If I were to be financially comfortable, would I still have the same morals? Would I value things like the way I do now? Would money get to my head, making me just another Paris Hilton? I highly doubt any of it, but it gives me the heebie jeebies just thinking about it.

Fk millionaire, where I'm at I'm talking Billionaire.. Boys Club, that is. (How fking gay was that? Don't remind me.) The Nyc store is releasing some new stuff this Saturday, & Tony's going to be in Soho early for the release. Hopefully I'll get to run into him & check it out, but I haaate my 2-11pm shift. :(

Fuego, too bad it just looks pretty (for me at least). But no lie, I'd definitely want to buy a classic logo BBC shirt. I'd have no idea when I'd wear it though, most likely around the house & to sleep in, HAHA. Damn my undying love for Pharrell.

Can't stop, won't stop.

Hahahaha, my other half. Corny ass nigga, I love you yo. Two years in the making, & many more ahead of us. I'll save the lovey dovey kiss kiss type for tmrw, I promise I won't oversleep! Til infinity, baby.

On the other hand, what's really goooooood Mexicutioner?! Manny Pacquiao is my nigga.

& On the count of three..

..Every body run back to your fantasies.

What have I been up to? Well for one thing, it definitely hasn't been updating & redoing this blog. Still plain, still in it's default state, & still no new posts. I have to be careful when making promises; a majority of them seem to fall through the cracks most of the time. I guess it's partly due to my nature of not planning ahead, which is a real bad habit.

Work has been consuming my social life for the past 2 months now, & I have to say it feels both good & bad. Long shifts that span up to 8+ hours of my time, cold weather while taking public transportation, & just not being able to do the things I've grown used to doing (hanging out whenever I feel like it, not having to worry about oversleeping the next day, etc). But I constantly remind myself of the whole reason why I'm doing this, other than gaining experience & independence for myself (COOORNY): the biweekly paychecks. I can honestly admit that it feels good spending cash that I know I stacked myself. At the same time, I feel that I've sunken a little bit deeper into the materialistic high that I've been getting lately. Not to say that I've lost my grasp on reality & morals, because I just helped my mom pay for laundry earlier today.  But knowing in my system that I crave this label-brand lust, I'm just trying not to get too ahead of myself, before it becomes a problem.

But, I highly doubt that something as ridiculous as a shopping addiction would overcome me. I mean, I'm openly admitting to it & realizing this behavior now; that's a good sign, right?

Speaking of spending, let's talk CHRISTMAS SHOPPING. I'm relieved as hell that I was able to order & purchase Clint's gift online. (: Charged that baby on my debit card, so now all I have to do is drive out to Whitestone & pick it up. Since I paid for it ahead of time, it's guaranteed to be there, buahahah. Not to mention I got a killer deal on it as oppose to the original price that I've been finding all over the internet. What can I say, I'm still Filipino after all. :P & Babe, I know you're going to be reading this, but sorry. Not going to leak any info on your gift here, buddy! I just need to get a few more things, including my family's Kris Kringle, Leila's, & some potluck present that we're doing.. All while holding back from buying other things I'd want to get for myself.

I feel like I'm getting a lot done, in terms of priorities. I just finished setting up my ING Direct savings account, now I'm just waiting for the pending link to go through to connect my TD Bank one. Right now I'm going through my QCC paperwork & going to start registering for Spring semester classes, since I highly doubt that Hunter will accept me at this point.. I still have yet to receive anything from them. I contemplated my enrollment to QCC for about a week now, & given our financial situation I don't think it'll be half bad. Mom said that during school days she's willing enough to lend me the car, & I'm determined to do well so transferring will be a breeze. To be honest, I kind of miss doing homework. :X Did I seriously just say that?

Alright, that should hold you guys up for now. I promise, I'll be back soon. (There I go again..)